Thursday, May 7, 2009

Amazon 1 Star Reviews

My friend Meghan posted a link on the FaceSpace today to Cynical-C Blog that frequently features one star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Very funny, yet intellectually frightening! Though my favorite was a review for The Sounds of Music (“This movie was made in the sixties, we live in the 21st century, GET OVER IT!“), here are some highlights from classic albums featured. I have not corrected any of these for spelling or punctuation (obviously):

Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
“Why this album is so popular will always be a mystery to me. I guess if you take a lot of drugs anything will sound good.”

“IF you were born after 1965, don’t even think of wasting money on this… If you’re saying to yourself “But it was so popular and it was in the charts for years”, remember that millions wasted money on bell-bottoms and mood rings.”

The Beatles - Abbey Road
“… the song “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” could have been written by a child.”

“I just dont like it because it sucks! Dont listen to the moronic 5 star reviewers below.”

The Beatles - The White Album
“Only music arty farty music critics continue to ramble on about their music. For the need of something to say.”

“…it is unbearable to listen to it gives me the shrivels!”

Jimi Hendrix - Are You Experienced?
“This guy is way overatted just because he died young.”

“…all this album is is a bunch of blues tunes that go nowhere.”

Of course this piqued my curiosity about albums that I feel are classic and what one star reviews they might’ve gotten… So I paid Amazon a visit and went a searchin’ for some of my favorite records. Enjoy...

Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville
“Of course, don't ever, ever - EVER! - criticize something a woman has done, especially if she's one of the ordained favorites of insular media critics otherwise they will smite you with the inevitable ‘You have a short ****!’”

Sonic Youth – Dirty
“If I wanted to hear this I could go down to the local foundary yard and listen to them cutting steel.. FOR FREE.”

Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
“I really think singing lessons are a path in which this artist needs to travel.”

“It sounds like its been recorded in a bedroom with no carpeting or furnishings to speak of, and using a guitar found in the shopping trolley of a can collecting toothless old lady.”

Belle & Sebastian – If You’re Feeling Sinister
“This album makes me increasingly violent as time goes on.”

“I don't get it. Maybe it's cuz i'm not gay.”

My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
"Like something my parents would listen to."

"This music is so stupid and weird not in a good unique way but just an uncomfortable way like when you are at someone's house and you don't like them and want to go home but you can't and you probably have to spend the night in their living room...."


Scotter said...

This is so great! What a great curatorial project.

I feel bereft for not meeting more can collecting toothless old ladies in my daily travels.

Laura said...

Well, I am sure I could recommend some neighborhoods in Detroit that you could add to your daily travel path that will seriously boost your chances of can collecting toothless old lady interaction. But it’s probably too late for you to become the next Jeff Mangum, just saying.

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