Not that Shocked: An Open letter to Michelle Shocked

Now with ironic title!

"When they stop Prop 8 and force priests at gunpoint to marry gays, it will be the downfall of civilization, and Jesus will come back." - Michelle Shocked to a flabbergasted crowd of protest song-lovin' San Francisco lesbians, 3-17-13

Dear Michelle:

Holy hatred, Ms. Shocked! That's quite the little anti-gay ranty-rant you gave at your recent San Francisco show. You are front and center in the news for possibly the first time since... I can't remember when you were last relevant, but at least the mid-90's. Your ability to obliterate your entire fan base in one evening is disturbingly impressive. You've got to be aware that, over the course of your whole career, your music has only appealed to one demographic: Rat-tailed lesbians with terrible taste in music (and hair styles). But apparently Jesus told you to go ahead and throw that all away in His name, huh? I hope, for your sake, he's got a career back-up plan for you. Because Holy Shit.

I'll just go ahead and say it: I have never liked your music. At all. But that doesn't mean I take any pleasure in watching you spiral out of control like a Baptist minister on a secret meth-fueled gay sex rampage. I think it's troublesome. I think you need help.  

Did you know that fervent religiosity is a red flag for a myriad of mental disorders? It's true! I highly suggest you pick up the book Devil in the Details: Scenes From an Obsessive Girlhood* by Jenny Traig. She talks about growing up dealing with scrupulosity, which is basically OCD with a religious bent. She also provides several examples of how some of the best-known religious leaders in history probably suffered from this as well. Which doesn't surprise me at all. I heard an NPR report on a church where the congregants spoke in tongues, and they did a little interview with a woman who interjected the word "Hey!" several times per sentence. Like how you would if you were hosting a party and wanted to quickly acknowledge new guests entering while you conversed with somebody. Her quote was basically like, "I believe that (hey!) the Lord is (hey!) speaking through me (hey!)..." My first thought was, "Hmm. That sounds an awful lot more like Tourette's Syndrome than it does a woman overcome by the power of His glory..." Since God supposedly works in "mysterious ways," I think he should employ some ways that are less like how crazy people act.

My point is, you owe it to yourself (and your fans) to go get a psych evaluation. Something is not right with you. I read a lot of advice columns in which people write in to complain about a sudden change in a loved one's behavior, and the first thing that's always recommended is to get that person checked out. Sometimes our brains need a tune up. Ain't no shame in that.

So, yeah. I'm pissed at your behavior and hateful words, but also worried about you. You've entered Victoria Jackson territory. She's so far gone I can't even be mad at her. Her rants are just depressing. Maybe that's your plan though! Maybe you and Ms. Jackson are already mapping out your double-headlining "Pathological and Pathetic: The Unchecked Mental Illness Tour." If so, I'll be sure to not buy tickets. Because this is America. And if you want to let yourself passively sink into shameful obscurity, it's your right. And it's my right to refuse to buy tickets to the crazy show. But it's not too late to help yourself. 

Thinking of you in this embarrassingly difficult time,

Laura

*I don't generally like to link to Amazon because I'd rather people support their local indie bookstore, but with your revenue stream coming to a screeching, gay-hating halt, I figure you'll need the lowest priced copy possible.

Bipasha Basu: "Girls Are Icky"

Bipasha makes the universal hand signal for "Keep your vagina away from me."

Does Bollywood star Bipasha Basu think gay ladies are the worst? If her interview in the newest issue of Filmfare magazine (which is a guilty pleasure of mine the way US Weekly is to your mom) is any indication, she does. The interview (titled "I'm petrified of women hitting on me" no less) is a puff piece focusing on her romantic aspirations. It includes the question, "What if a woman were to hit on you?" which she answered this way:

They have hit on me. It's really embarrassing. I'm petrified of women hitting on me. It's happened to me twice. One was in love with me, a make-up artiste in New York, she gave me a Valentine diamond pendant. At first I thought she as my friend (sic) but then my agent told me the truth. I don't even like women touching me. I'm not the hugging type. I have a lot of girlfriends but I'm not the sticky type at all.

Even taking into account the possibility that she was misquoted, or that there might be something lost or erroneously added in the translation (I don't know if this interview was conducted in Hindi and translated into English), I'm a little disappointed in this answer. Mostly because now I have to rethink my plans of presenting her with a Valentine diamond pendant (thanks a lot, lesbo make-up artiste in New York!), but also because in the ten plus years that I've been in love with Bollywood, I've had to deal with the cognitive dissonance that comes from being a little gay Polish girl who loves Indian movies despite their lowest common denominator approach to gay visibility.


Interestingly, Filmi Girl linked to this article today which talks about the subject in more depth. The article focuses on Bol Bachchan, a new film that I haven't seen yet, but it is also hard on Dostana; a film I actually found endearing in a weird way. Sure it was "gay joke gag heavy," but I also thought there was way more warmth than maliciousness in the humor. Of course, I also went in expecting the worst, so that may have played a part in my favorable opinion. Plus, hello? The song "Desi Girl" rules.



To be fair, Bollywood as a whole frequently takes the lowest common denominator approach to virtually any demographic that will get a quick laugh. Fat people (Rajat Rawail in Bodyguard), South Indians (Shahrukh Khan in Ra.One), the Chinese (Saif Ali Khan in the 1994 hit Main Khiladi Tu Anari) just to name a few. If you can make an immature joke about it, consider it fair game. That's why I typically give the cheap shot gay jokes a pass. Sophomoric humor is a masala film staple. But it is a let down to know that big stars like Ms. Basu spend their days "petrified" at the thought that a woman might find them attractive. It's one thing to make immature jokes on the screen, it's another to be immature about the issue in real life.

But it's your loss Bipasha! I'm totally giving my Valentine diamond pendant to Anushka Sharma instead. An actress who, I can't help but notice, made the cover of the very same issue where your "don't touch me, ladies" article is buried on page 52. 


I hope somebody besides a gay white girl from the U.S. takes her to task regarding these comments. Just remember Bipasha: Fame is fleeting, and fans can be fickle. It makes sense to be respectful of the people that made you famous in the first place. Even the gay ones.

It's like Mapquest. But for gay people.

For people who like gay theatre (as if there's any other kind, right?!) you're in for a real treat this month: The Ringwald Theatre in Ferndale is proud to announce the 3rd installment of its wildly popular Gay Play Series. The "GPS," as it is called by gay thespians with a penchant for acronyms and a hearty internal compass, features a One Act Festival showcasing 11 new, one act LGBT plays. These 11 plays were picked from upwards of 175 submissions, and one of them was co-written by me and the amazingly talented, (probably) magical Cara Trautman. It's called "Mate Trade" and is the first play I've ever written or co-written. I am very proud of us.

I'm super excited to see how our play turns out. You see, at this point, it is out of our hands. After the plays are selected, they're given to different directors who then cast and produce them. So when you see our play for the first time, Cara and I will be seeing it for the first time too! I'll just know what the words are going to be. Fun, yes? It will be! 

Along with the one act fest, there's a slew of other cool events in the series including Motor City Miscast Cabaret, Vince Kelly recreating Judy Garland’s Carnegie Hall Concert, and a performance of Shakespeare's most famous work Making Porn. Check here to make reservations (recommended) and to see the whole schedule. Go as often as you can, but for sure make it out on one of the following days:

• Saturday, June 16 at 8pm
• Friday, June 22 at 8pm 
• Sunday June 24 at 3pm 

Why? Because "Mate Trade" will be performed on those days. You have three chances! Also, audience members get to vote for their favorite script. The winning script will receive an additional performance at the closing ceremonies on Monday, June 25 at 8PM and will subsequently receive a full production at The Ringwald Theatre! I am so excited to be a part of this and to see the other 10 plays and also to be the winner so vote for us for the sake of all things gay and theatrical.