My adorable darling, I think of you every night and every morning..."

My current favorite song and video. 

Best Bollywood songs of 2011

I've seen a lot of Bollywood movies this year. I mean, I do that every year, but this year I decided to collect all my favorite songs from various movies and make a Best of Bollywood mix. Just like you've always wanted!

I've seen most of these movies, and while I certainly can't vouch for them all being good films, they all managed to contain at least one song I thought was awesome. So I made a little mix. If you want one, e mail me at laura [dot] witkowki [at] gmail... I will totally mail you one in exchange for something cool. You can also listen to the whole thing on Spotify (minus the Delhi Belly song) thanks to my friend Meghan.

1. Singham (Remix) - Singham

2. Mallo Malli (Tochi Raina) - Mausam

3. Chammak Challo - Ra.One

4. Pyaar Do Pyaar Lo - Thank You

5. Char Baj Gaye (Lekin Party Abhi Baaki Hai) - F.A.L.T.U.

6. Dhunki - Mere Brother Ki Dulhan

7. Maula Maula - Singham

8. Achha Lagta Hai - Aarakshan

9. Senorita - Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

10. Darling - 7 Khoon Maaf

11. Bhaag D.K. Bose, Aandhi Aayi - Delhi Belly

12. Mit Jaaye Ghum (Dum Maro Dum) - Dum Maaro Dum

13. Sadi Gali - Tanu Weds Manu

14. Criminal - Ra.One

15. Mauka - Aarakshan

16. Character Dheela (Ishq Ke Naam) - Ready

17. Faltu - F.A.L.T.U.

18. Zaraa Dil Ko Thaam Lo - Don 2

"Bollywood! Bollywood! Bollywood!"

That is what the world over will be chanting repeatedly forever once my brand new column "Bollywood Ear Candy" takes off on Collapse Board. Hollywood will be a distant memory and Tom Cruise will end up working as Shah Rukh Khan's very short laundry boy. But I personally will settle for just a few people actually reading the column and enjoying it. Read it on Collapse Board now, and let me know what you think.

Bollywood Time: 7 Khoon Maaf (contains spoilers)

So the other day I went to see 7 Khoon Maaf at the Star Theatre in Southfield. I knew next to nothing about the film - spending about 30 seconds on the movie's web site made me think it might be a thriller or even a horror movie. I didn't bother to try to learn anything else because I like going into a movie not knowing much of anything - especially Bollywood. Though I guess a movie about a woman who's first six husbands are murdered is technically a thriller, we already know from the first ten minutes or so that she's gonna get married a lot and all these dudes are gonna die. Oh - and that she will be responsible for their deaths. So there's not a lot of suspense or whodunit type thrills to be had. But it was totally weird and dark enough to make it watchable.

Priyanka Chopra plays Susanna Anna-Marie Johannes - a good Christian woman. You can tell by the way she wears a crucifix necklace and a different terrible white wedding dresses each time she gets married in a traditional Christian church to each of the men she'll eventually murder. Oh - except the one time she decides to marry an Islamic dude for a change of pace? Anyway, she just can't seem to find the right man! (LOL, we've all been there, am I right ladies?) Each of the men she marries are total dicks and have (supposedly) fatal flaws. It is obvious from her inability to marry men who don't then deserve to be murdered that Susanna also has some serious daddy issues. Dr. Phil would have a field day with this lady. Also if Dr. Phil became one of her husbands, he totally has enough fatal flaws that he'd be dead before intermission. But did all of these men deserve to die? Let's do a quick run down:

Husband #1: Army Major Edwin Rodrigues

Cause of death: Eaten by a panther

First of all, let's get this out of the way - this guy looks exactly like Deputy Travis Junior from Reno 911:



















He totally does.

Murderable offenses:

• Jealous: He pushes another officer's face into the bathroom mirror for dancing with his wife at a party.
• Mean: He challenges a mute midget to a fight in which whips are used and takes the poor little guy's eye right out!
• Constantly verbally cruel to Susanna.
• Crippled: He has a stumpy leg AND it seems their inability to have a child is not because of her faulty plumbing, if you get my drift (his penis doesn't work right). Also he touches his stump to her face at one point in a threatening way?

Verdict: Kill him!


Husband #2: Jimmy Stetson
Cause of death: "accidental" heroin overdose

After ridding herself of the uptight major, Susanna wanted a change of pace - so why not the rock n' roll life? She marries Jimmy - a rock star with a lot of bad, bad wigs.

Murderable offenses:

• His music (see video)
• His wardrobe (see video)
• His drug habit
• His whoring around with groupies
• His songwriting plagiarism
  

Verdict: Kill him!















Husband #3 Wasiullah Khan
Cause of death: Buried alive in the snow

After being a rock n' roll wife, who could blame Susanna for deciding that the wife of a Muslim poet was the life for her? Murderable offenses:

• Physically and sexually abusive
• Constantly looks like he needs a shower
• Doesn't seem like a lot of fun in general!

Verdict: Kill him!




















Husband #4 Nicolai Vronsky
Cause of death: Climbing into a well filled with cobras

Nicolai Vronsky is Russian. So you know what that means right? He's a Russian spy leading a double life! There is no other option for ruggedly handsome Russian men in cinema. Murderable offenses:

• Um, he's a Russian spy leading a double life
• This double life includes another wife and kids back in Russia

Verdict: Maybe divorce him and/or turn him into the authorities?














Husband #5 Inspector Keemat Lal
Cause of death: Poisoned Viagra

Let's face it. You can only kill so many of your husbands before the authorities start to think maybe you are killing your husbands! So if perhaps the police inspector that's been handling all the cases has been in love with you since day one, marrying him might be a good way to get him to keep his mouth shut.

Murderable offenses:

• Clearly not a very good inspector or judge of character
• Buys really cheesy gifts for Susanna (stuffed yellow teddy bears that play music are NOT ROMANTIC. That's a TACKY GIFT, Keemat.)
• Is constantly wanting to have sex all the time
• Is a whiny crybaby
  

Verdict: Well, divorcing him would only break his heart and he'd probably turn you in, so I guess you have to kill him.














Husband #6 Dr. Modhusudhon Tarafdar
Cause of death: Gunshot

After you kill five husbands, if you take a second to perhaps reflect on your life, you might feel a little lonely, crazy, despondent and guilty. This will probably lead to you trying to kill yourself. Susanna does this by overdosing on pills. But her faithful servant/butler/murder accomplice finds her and runs into the road to flag down a car to take her to the hospital. The car he flags just happens to have a doctor in it! He is Bengali, which apparently means he cures each and every ailment naturally with different kinds of mushrooms? After nursing Susanna back to health he's all, "Well why don't I just stay here and be your live-in doctor?" Because that's feasible and not weird of a seemingly successful doctor to just suggest that. After some time, he convinces her to marry him.

Murderable offenses:

• Curing all ailments with different kinds of mushrooms is not a thing
• He claims if she marrys him she'll inherit his fortune, but turns out the dude is broke and wants HER money
• He is trying to poison her with mushroom soup!
• The servant/butler drinks the poison soup and dies
• He is not very good at Russian Roulette
  

Verdict: Oh, you might as well kill him. It's what you know.

Now you're old and living on the lam after burning your house to the ground and tricking the world into thinking you're dead. Maybe it's time to get married one more time, you know? I mean, why give up on men now, right? But this time, you should look for a totally different type of guy. Like say... somebody really, really famous. Who a lot of people worship. And who has been known to be pretty forgiving of life's little transgressions.

Maybe... Jesus.

Yes. Become a nun and marry Jesus! And you can't kill him - because he's already dead. It's literally a match made in heaven. Forever and ever.

Amen.

Bollywood Rocks

My friend Meghan just posted this to my Facespace page at the exact moment I was about to have a nervous breakdown. This is proof she's a psychic genius best friend.

Maximum Bollywood from Marc Campbell on Vimeo.

Though a long video,the majority of it is worth watching. The first 19 minutes and 39 seconds are fantastic - go ahead and scoff and call it campy, but the enthusiastic appropriation of Western rock n' roll culture is so earnest. After that we jump ahead in time to perhaps the early 90's. Things start to get a little more insipid. But it's worth fast forwarding to 25:08. That's where a little boy winks, and then punches a lady in the face. It's oddly satisfying.

Bollywood Time: Lagaan

So this movie magazine world wide web site Empire posted this totally rad list titled "The 100 Best Films of World Cinema." I love looking at lists like this even if it's a constant reminder that I am not nearly as cultured as I think I am. I've watched a LOT of movies - but from this list, I can only claim to have seen 17 in full. If somebody shows this list to Bristol Palin, and her number is 18 or more, I will kill myself.

But two of my favorite Bollywood movies made this list - Lagaan and Devdas. I'll save Devdas for another day and focus on Lagaan. Here we go:

If I wanted to, I could scare you away from watching Lagaan (2001) with one quick sentence: "It's a 4 hour movie about taxes and cricket that takes places during the period of British colonial rule over India." But I do not want to scare you away from watching Lagaan! Even if it is a four hour movie about taxes and cricket that takes places during the period of British colonial rule over India.

But Lagaan is such an epic and beautiful movie. And Lagaan has something everybody loves, and that is an "underdog sports" story. Hoosiers. Rudy. Teen Wolf. We never tire of rooting for the little guy. Even when he's a wolf. Especially when he's the wolf. I don't know.

The point is, the more unlikely the victory of the underdog and the higher the stakes of said victory, the better this story formula works. That being the case, I would argue that Lagaan is the ultimate underdog sports story: Peasant villagers playing cricket against the fucking British Empire. On the line? Oh, basically the sovereignty of their entire nation. So like, big stakes, right?! Add to this the fact the peasants have never played cricket before. Their team is so rag-tag (including a crippled Untouchable) they make the Bad News Bears look like the New York Yankees.

So how does this peasant cricket team even learn to play the game, let alone get competent enough to play their British overlords? Well, from The L Word's Helena Peabody, of course! Everybody knows that lesbians are awesome at cricket. Actually, they learn from Elizabeth Russell (who is played by Rachel Shelley who went on to play lesbo Helena Peabody). Elizabeth is the sister of Captain Andrew Russell - the commanding British officer. He is a major dick to the Indian people just to be a dick, and Elizabeth is tired of watching his dick-like behavior. She also has a case of "masala fever" due to her mad crush on one of the villagers - a handsome young guy named Bhuvan (played by Bollywood superstar Amir Khan). To get back at her brother, and to get closer to that hunky peasant, she decides to basically sneak around to coach their team. So their best hope is learning the game from a white lady in frilly dresses and a parasol who maybe has never even played the game! Also, hello total language barrier between coach and team! Success is so imminent, yes?

The actual cricket match is a doozy and takes up almost the whole second half of the film! But it is oddly watchable! Not once did I ever feel the urge to hit fast forward and watch them play the game Benny Hill style. Cricket isn't a game I'm terribly familiar with, but the movie does a pretty good job of using narrative to explain what the players are doing. Pretty soon you'll comprehend all the "wickets," "bowling," "quaffles" and "Golden Snitches" and whatnot.

I'm not going to tell you who wins because that would be spoiling it. But I already told you it's the ultimate underdog sports story, so stop being dense and watch Lagaan. And before you get all, "Oh, I just can't imagine watching such a long, long film," don't make me remind you how many times you've watched an entire season of America's Next Top Model in one "TV-on-DVD-binge" weekend. That's what I thought.

Bollywood Time: Yaarana

For this edition of Bollywood time, we take a look at a classic. But the word "classic" here only refers to the fact the film is old, not its status as a film. In fact, Yaarana (1981) was not a very good movie! Even as much leeway as I give my beloved Bollywood, this film made very little sense. Yaarana tells the story of two boyhood friends who are as close as brothers, until one of them (Bishan) is sent away to go to school in the big city while the other (Kishan) stays a poor country bumpkin. Bishan is all, "I'll totally stay in touch and we'll see each other soon!" But then the next scene is all "several years later" and now they're adults. Bishan shows up and basically says, "I missed you so much long lost friend! Then they go hang gliding, and Bishan tries to convince Kishan to come live in the big city with him which leaves Kishan torn.

Then a little later on in the film, the rich kid's uncle is like, "Hey, remember when 18 years ago I begged the family's forgiveness when I got out of prison so you'd let me live here? Well, I've been robbing you blind slowly this whole time and now the family has no money! You've been financially punk'd!" So what do you do when you realize that your family has been swindled by an evil ex con relative? Well, if you're Bishan, you literally mortgage everything your family has left in order to... pay to send your best friend Kishan to music school so he can become an international star! What? You had a better idea? The movie ends with... a boat full of children being hijacked and Bishan in the loony bin! As it should right? Logical progression!

On the plus side, this film stars Amitabh Bachchan, who's one of the biggest movie stars of all time. Do you remember in Slumdog Millionaire, when the little boy jumps into the human waste pit just to have the chance to get his favorite actor's autograph? That actor was Amitabh Bachchan. And even though this movie wasn't awesome, I have to give the man a break. Bachchan starred in 11 films in the year 1981 alone. Chances are good a few of those are not great, right? For comparison, Burt Reynolds was only in three movies that year and Harrison Ford was only in one. American actors are wimps! But there are sometimes diamonds in the rough, and watching Yaarana was worth it for one big reason.

This video clip is of Kishan's first major public performance, which for some reason a huge enough deal to fill some sort of arena and require the participation of upwards of two dozen dancers. Though I highly encourage you to watch the whole clip (I sat through all 138 minutes of this movie, the least you can do is watch 4 and a half of 'em) it's at 2:38 that the magic truly happens. The Lite-Brite suit:


Is your day totally made? Aren't you happy that I'm nuts enough to watch these movies and find you these things? You are welcome.

Songs: C Not that great. But because of the Lite-Brite suit, I'll give 'em a C.
Dance Numbers: B- This score is also very skewed by the Lite-Brite Suit factor
Wardrobe: B But basically just because of the Lite-Brite suit
Overall Plot: D- Not even the Lite-Brite suit can save the plot of this film

Yaarana: D (saved from an F by... the Lite-Brite suit)

Bollywood Time: Chak De! India

Loosely translated, Chak De! India means, "Go for it, India!" This is an appropriate name for a sports-related film, yes? I don't personally watch a lot of sports movies. The first three that come to my mind are Hoosiers (my dad's favorite film), A League Of Their Own (lesbians are bound by law to own a copy of this on DVD), and Bend It Like Beckham (which most Americans probably don't count as a true "sports movie" seeing it's foreign and about soccer/football). But Chak De! India (2007) is about hockey. More specifically, field hockey. Even more specifically, women's field hockey and national pride. So kind of like A League Of Their Own meets Bend It Like Beckham. If you want to be racist and sexist about it.

In this movie we learn that bringing together the best female hockey players from all the corners of India means finding a rag-tag bunch of girls who are mean to each other and cannot work as a team because "how can you expect me to play with junglees?" But then their new coach Kabir Khan (played by Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan and totally the Tom Hanks character in this film - except not a drunk. And he actually wants to coach the team. But he does have a similar facial hair) is convinced if he can get them to play as a true team and for the sake of national pride, he can make them winners!

But after working them so hard in practice and not putting up with their drama, tensions come to a head and the team tries to get rid of him! But instead of being like, "Fine! You are all mean and selfish and have bad attitudes, I don't need this!" he says, "Hey, I'm going to take the rest of the staff out to lunch to say goodbye. Players, you can totally come too - no obligation." And then they all go to McDonalds. At McDonald's the girls team up to beat the ever living shit out of a throng of dudes who were making crude comments to some of the players and basically destroy the famous and popular fast food chain in the process. It is a good thing their success wasn't contingent on a McDonald's sponsorship. But now the women are totally unified and ready to play as a team! On to the world championships! Chak De! India!

Even though I have never seen The Mighty Ducks, I assume this story line is pretty close to the same? Here's the trailer:



Songs: C (The songs were acceptable, but nothing that really wowed me)
Dance Numbers: D (There really weren't any dance numbers to speak of. Unless you like, consider playing sports a "dance" because you are lame. There WAS a good, "We're traveling the world for the very first time!" montage set to music and the giant McDonald's fight scene was well choreographed.)
Wardrobe: C (Shahrukh Khan looks great, even in sweats being a coach. Most of the rest of the movie featured uniforms.)
Overall Plot: A (Jamie said this film perfectly followed the underdog-team-sports-movie plot line. And apparently in these types of movies, this is very important! And I totally teared up when they won everything! So I guess the formula works.)

Chak De! India: C

Bollywood Time: Ghajini

For those who don't already know, I love Bollywood movies. And not like in the, "Oh, isn't it so funny and ironic to like Bollywood? I'm so interesting and quirky!" But in a very earnest and nerdy way. For those of you (there may be one or two of you) interested in some basic info about Bollywood, read up on that here and here. Because I don't really have the time or inclination to go into all that.

Here's the thing: If you like things that are fantastic, you should really check out Bollywood. But by fantastic, I mean both, "Hey, that's fantastic." and the actual definition of the word: "Conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy." Your typical Bollywood movie is all about unrestrained fancy: it will be about three hours long, cram in every single genre and feature more than one giant song and dance number. Sound awesome? It totally is. Sound terrible? That's fine - to each his own. But please remember you own Speed on DVD. You have no right to judge.

For the first installment of Bollywood Time, I bring you Ghajini (2008). Did you ever see Memento? Sure you did. Ghajini is the Bollywood version of that film. So imagine Memento, but with a love story, some light comedy and several song and dance numbers to go along with the whole memory loss/revenge seeking/action-packed fight scenes. Here's the trailer:



Whew. Super intense, right? This is one of the best Bollywood movies I've seen, and I easily give it the full Pillow Fights seal of approval. There are four main things that I judge my Bollywood movies on - songs, dance numbers, wardrobe and (last but not least) overall plot. From the following clip, you can easily see that Ghajini gets an A in the first three categories:



Am I right? Those suspenders alone were worth an A. If Bollywood is something you have any interest in, Ghajini is a really great place to start. Put that shit on your Netflix.

Songs: A- (Sometimes things get lost in translation. For instance, I don't really think he was trying to say, "I'm going to spew forth my pearls of life" during the love ballad. I mean, in Bollywood, it's a big deal if the characters kiss.)
Dance Numbers: A
Wardrobe: A+ (extra credit for Amir Khan's rolled-up-shirt-sleeve-business look)
Overall Plot: A

Ghajini: A