First of all, hello! Aren't site meters nifty? I mean, I don't really care that much about "visitor stats" and all, but finding your search results was beyond entertaining for me and made bothering with this site meter thing totally worth it. So thanks for that. Second of all, I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for. I know – it’s a little presumptuous for me to jump right to the conclusion that clicking that “Pillow Fights & Boxing Tuesday” link in your search results did not bring you the information (or pictures?) you were expecting. But I just have this feeling that I’m right. So again, sorry.
That isn’t to say that my mind jumped RIGHT to the fact that you’re probably a World of Warcraft playing pre-teen who knows full well that until you have a real job and can pay for it, creative vagina substitutions will have to do the trick. I swear I did not! Because that would be mean and also stereotypical. After all, there are tons of different reasons somebody would do a Google search for “pillow as pretend vagina.” And not all of them are necessarily because you're a Pervy Perverton! For example:
Maybe you teach some sort of childbirth classes and are looking for a way to demonstrate the miracle of birth! Using two body pillows, a Cabbage Patch doll, some dramatic lighting and the song “A Whole New World” from Disney’s Aladdin, you’ve got yourself a “birthing demo to remember!” Depending on the level of education of those in your class, you may need to take a second to explain that they’ll soon be birthing a real baby, and not a doll with yarn for hair. I’d hate for them to miss that point.
Maybe you are doing a community theater stage adaptation of Pedro Almodóvar’s Talk To Her! Well then of course you’d need to figure out a way to make a giant pretend vagina – I mean, you leave out that scene and it’s totally not worth doing a play version of this film! Might I suggest, instead of pillows, using some of those thicker wrestling/gymnastics mats. Even better if you can find them in pink. Also, please send me an invitation to your opening – I would love to attend. I would also expect an “additional production assistance provided by” nod in your program if you go with the pink wresting mats. That's only fair.
Maybe you are a very New Age-y therapist and to get to the root of a client’s “mother issues” you want to encourage their complete regression, right down to recreating his or her actual “birth!” I won’t lie – I think your methods are total baloney, but then again I’m not paying you $150 an hour to shove my head between vagina pillows so I can say “I love you” to my mom again. I can ALREADY say I love you to my mom, thanks.
See? These are just a few examples off the top of my head - I'm sure there are others. But since odds are you're just a Pervy Perverton, maybe you also like music and got something of value out of your little visit to my blog. If not, I hope you at least had the common sense to clear the search history on your mom's computer when you were done.
Take care and best wishes,
Laura
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
My letter to Trans World Entertainment
Below is the e mail I just sent to Trans World Entertainment - the parent company of FYE. I purchased the new Depeche Mode CD from an FYE store a few weeks ago. It came with a three dollar rebate offer. Read on to see how I feel about that.
TO: John J. Sullivan
Executive Vice President, Chief Financial Officer & Secretary
E-mail: corpcomm@twec.com
Mr. Sullivan:
Hello. I am as surprised to find myself writing this letter as you might possibly be to receive it. You see, I was merely planning to send away for the promised $3 rebate offer for purchasing the new Depeche Mode album Sounds of the Universe. Have you heard it? If not – I’d recommend it. Not in a “Wow, what a groundbreaking album – this is their best work YET” type way, but more in a “Wow, their last few studio albums have not been all that great, and this one is way better than those, particularly if (like me) you’ve been a fan ever since Violator, but your favorite albums are Black Celebration and Some Great Reward because you’d be dumb not to recognize that those are the best ones” type way. But I digress…
The rebate offer. First of all, I think it’s an odd thing to have a rebate offer for a CD. The last rebate offer I sent away for was for cat litter. Which is, of course, the type of product you’d expect to offer you a rebate. After all, it’s a product that the typical purchaser most likely buys a lot -- for the life of their cat presumably, and that can be upwards of 20 years! Actually, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest cat ever, Crème Puff, was born August 3, 1967 and died at 38 in 2005! Adjusted for inflation, that means Crème Puff’s owner probably spent like, $16,000,000 on kitty litter alone. So they completely deserved a rebate offer every once in awhile. But a CD? That’s a new concept. But not a “new concept” like an “innovative idea.” It’s more like an admission that your product is overpriced, but instead of realizing this and giving consumers a break, you’re offering them a three dollar pain-in-the-ass rebate. Frankly, it’s insulting and yet another sign that you don’t show any respect for the people who purchase your product. Congratulations.
And that brings me to my main reason for contacting you. As you well know (because you never shut up about it), there are many people out there who “steal” music. Not to mention the fact that music can be purchased digitally by people who don’t have any desire to own the physical product. Because of this, retail music establishments are struggling. So who actually buys physical, legal CDs anymore? Old people, and collectors. I fall into the latter group, though I am sure there is some existing demographic data out there that would also put me in the former. But that’s not the point. The point is, what’s the last thing a collector, who purchased the physical product because he or she presumably wants the packaging, art work etc., is likely to want to do? I’m going to go with, cut the fucking UPC code off the back cover of the CD artwork and send it to you. Are you kidding me? First you insult me by making me jump through hoops to get a savings I should’ve gotten in the first place, and now you’re telling me that the only way to get this savings is to physically deface the product I purchased because photocopies will not be accepted. You are total assholes. You can keep your three dollars. Frankly, when you finally tank because your business model is so backwards and contemptuous of your customers, you can use it to buy some credibility. Not that it will get you very much, but it’s a start.
Thank you for your time.
TO: John J. Sullivan
Executive Vice President, Chief Financial Officer & Secretary
E-mail: corpcomm@twec.com
Mr. Sullivan:
Hello. I am as surprised to find myself writing this letter as you might possibly be to receive it. You see, I was merely planning to send away for the promised $3 rebate offer for purchasing the new Depeche Mode album Sounds of the Universe. Have you heard it? If not – I’d recommend it. Not in a “Wow, what a groundbreaking album – this is their best work YET” type way, but more in a “Wow, their last few studio albums have not been all that great, and this one is way better than those, particularly if (like me) you’ve been a fan ever since Violator, but your favorite albums are Black Celebration and Some Great Reward because you’d be dumb not to recognize that those are the best ones” type way. But I digress…
The rebate offer. First of all, I think it’s an odd thing to have a rebate offer for a CD. The last rebate offer I sent away for was for cat litter. Which is, of course, the type of product you’d expect to offer you a rebate. After all, it’s a product that the typical purchaser most likely buys a lot -- for the life of their cat presumably, and that can be upwards of 20 years! Actually, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest cat ever, Crème Puff, was born August 3, 1967 and died at 38 in 2005! Adjusted for inflation, that means Crème Puff’s owner probably spent like, $16,000,000 on kitty litter alone. So they completely deserved a rebate offer every once in awhile. But a CD? That’s a new concept. But not a “new concept” like an “innovative idea.” It’s more like an admission that your product is overpriced, but instead of realizing this and giving consumers a break, you’re offering them a three dollar pain-in-the-ass rebate. Frankly, it’s insulting and yet another sign that you don’t show any respect for the people who purchase your product. Congratulations.
And that brings me to my main reason for contacting you. As you well know (because you never shut up about it), there are many people out there who “steal” music. Not to mention the fact that music can be purchased digitally by people who don’t have any desire to own the physical product. Because of this, retail music establishments are struggling. So who actually buys physical, legal CDs anymore? Old people, and collectors. I fall into the latter group, though I am sure there is some existing demographic data out there that would also put me in the former. But that’s not the point. The point is, what’s the last thing a collector, who purchased the physical product because he or she presumably wants the packaging, art work etc., is likely to want to do? I’m going to go with, cut the fucking UPC code off the back cover of the CD artwork and send it to you. Are you kidding me? First you insult me by making me jump through hoops to get a savings I should’ve gotten in the first place, and now you’re telling me that the only way to get this savings is to physically deface the product I purchased because photocopies will not be accepted. You are total assholes. You can keep your three dollars. Frankly, when you finally tank because your business model is so backwards and contemptuous of your customers, you can use it to buy some credibility. Not that it will get you very much, but it’s a start.
Thank you for your time.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A letter to the C.E.O. of CVS, Mr. Thomas Ryan
I just wrote and mailed the following letter. In the tradition of sharing that Thanksgiving is sometimes known for, I am posting it for your enrichment. Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
November 26, 2008
Mr. Thomas Ryan, CEO
Corporate Headquarters
One CVS Drive
Woonsocket, RI 02895
Dear Mr. Ryan:
Hello. My name is Laura Witkowski and I am frequent CVS shopper. Although I cannot completely pinpoint why your store is far superior to Rite Aid or Walgreens, I always find myself regretting a trip to one of your competitors and wishing I would have just taken the extra minute or so to locate a CVS store. One time, I had a dog that was on a psychotropic medication, and the pharmacy at Rite Aid misread the dosage and refilled it with a much lower dose. I didn't realize this until the poor dog, over the next week or so, started to get gradually worse and revert back to his unstable ways. It took us several more weeks to get him back up to speed. Thanks a lot Rite Aid!
But psychotropic medication mishap memories are not the reason I am writing to you today. It is actually because of chocolate: CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels to be exact. I think it is important to say upfront that my purchase of said product was driven by a combination of having a bad day at work and noticing that CVS has the uncanny ability to play the absolute last song I would want to hear at that moment every time I am in the store. It's eerie really. So as I'm sure you can relate, I'm having a bad day, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" starts drifting out of the CVS sound system, and next thing I know I'm forgoing that planned Luna bar purchase for a bag of CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels and a copy of the latest issue of Psychology Today to see if I can get any insight as to what in the hell is wrong with me. We’ve all been there right?
Now, it might just be some sort of sign that I should not let emotional moments of weakness dictate my lunch choices, but when I got back to my desk and opened the chocolate pretzels I found them to be stale. Well, really more moldy than stale – because considering my current mental state, I probably would have just eaten them anyway should it be a mere issue of freshness. But, even though I don’t have any severe mold allergies that I know of, I do know that mold can kill you, or at least make you very sick. Plus, it really does take away from the overall taste of the snack product as the maker intended. So I decided not to eat them.
I will take them back to the store after work today – because as you yourself wrote on the back of the bag (I am assuming it is a direct quote due to its italicized nature and the fact that your actual signature is underneath the words) the product “carries the CVS money back guarantee.” But I thought you should know about this incident. I know that you can’t possibly keep track of every CVS brand product and personally control every factor that could negatively impact the performance or taste of said products – but the fact that you try is commendable. I think you make a similar promise (though without the phrase, “I know you’ll enjoy the great taste”) on the back of my CVS brand body wash. I picture you in a big office in Woonsocket, Rhode Island (the best city name ever perhaps!) personally testing and tasting each and every product and diligently taking notes and reporting back your experiences to those who are busily making these things. I also picture these product makers looking like Oompa Loompas, but that’s probably inaccurate. But then again, you are in a town called Woonsocket, so who knows what is possible!
In closing, despite my bad experience and your knack for having (by my standards) the most terrible in store music of any store I frequent, I will continue to be a loyal CVS customer. Partly this is out of convenience, but it is also out of loyalty. In these tough economic times, loyalty is pretty important, right? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday weekend.
Regards,
Laura Witkowski
PS – Is it inappropriate for me to request an autograph? I would appreciate that.
November 26, 2008
Mr. Thomas Ryan, CEO
Corporate Headquarters
One CVS Drive
Woonsocket, RI 02895
Dear Mr. Ryan:
Hello. My name is Laura Witkowski and I am frequent CVS shopper. Although I cannot completely pinpoint why your store is far superior to Rite Aid or Walgreens, I always find myself regretting a trip to one of your competitors and wishing I would have just taken the extra minute or so to locate a CVS store. One time, I had a dog that was on a psychotropic medication, and the pharmacy at Rite Aid misread the dosage and refilled it with a much lower dose. I didn't realize this until the poor dog, over the next week or so, started to get gradually worse and revert back to his unstable ways. It took us several more weeks to get him back up to speed. Thanks a lot Rite Aid!
But psychotropic medication mishap memories are not the reason I am writing to you today. It is actually because of chocolate: CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels to be exact. I think it is important to say upfront that my purchase of said product was driven by a combination of having a bad day at work and noticing that CVS has the uncanny ability to play the absolute last song I would want to hear at that moment every time I am in the store. It's eerie really. So as I'm sure you can relate, I'm having a bad day, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" starts drifting out of the CVS sound system, and next thing I know I'm forgoing that planned Luna bar purchase for a bag of CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels and a copy of the latest issue of Psychology Today to see if I can get any insight as to what in the hell is wrong with me. We’ve all been there right?
Now, it might just be some sort of sign that I should not let emotional moments of weakness dictate my lunch choices, but when I got back to my desk and opened the chocolate pretzels I found them to be stale. Well, really more moldy than stale – because considering my current mental state, I probably would have just eaten them anyway should it be a mere issue of freshness. But, even though I don’t have any severe mold allergies that I know of, I do know that mold can kill you, or at least make you very sick. Plus, it really does take away from the overall taste of the snack product as the maker intended. So I decided not to eat them.
I will take them back to the store after work today – because as you yourself wrote on the back of the bag (I am assuming it is a direct quote due to its italicized nature and the fact that your actual signature is underneath the words) the product “carries the CVS money back guarantee.” But I thought you should know about this incident. I know that you can’t possibly keep track of every CVS brand product and personally control every factor that could negatively impact the performance or taste of said products – but the fact that you try is commendable. I think you make a similar promise (though without the phrase, “I know you’ll enjoy the great taste”) on the back of my CVS brand body wash. I picture you in a big office in Woonsocket, Rhode Island (the best city name ever perhaps!) personally testing and tasting each and every product and diligently taking notes and reporting back your experiences to those who are busily making these things. I also picture these product makers looking like Oompa Loompas, but that’s probably inaccurate. But then again, you are in a town called Woonsocket, so who knows what is possible!
In closing, despite my bad experience and your knack for having (by my standards) the most terrible in store music of any store I frequent, I will continue to be a loyal CVS customer. Partly this is out of convenience, but it is also out of loyalty. In these tough economic times, loyalty is pretty important, right? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday weekend.
Regards,
Laura Witkowski
PS – Is it inappropriate for me to request an autograph? I would appreciate that.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Let me clear my throat: An open letter to coughing opera patrons
Dear coughing opera patrons:
Good evening! How are you doing? Are you feeling better than you were the other evening when you were at the opera? You’re fine? Really? Hmm… I guess I was confused about your health due to all your incessant coughing during the duration of Madame Butterfly. I would love to believe that it was a total fluke – that, because everybody who likes opera knows each other and goes to the same fancy cocktail parties, that one person got a cold and (bam!) next thing you know the whole audience for Saturday night’s performance has a little tickle in their throat. But this is not limited to Saturday’s performance of Madame Butterfly. This happens every time I have ever been to the opera - there seems to be this rash of coughers and it doesn’t matter what the season. Why is that? I demand to know!
I hate to be blunt, but is it because you are old? Now, I know it might seem that I harp on old people a lot – but it’s not really like that! You see, I have been told on several occasions that I like things that old people like: mash potatoes, The Golden Girls, Burt Bacharach, opera, voting... See? I can relate to your elderly pleasures! But is it a matter of fact that once you get old, you just cough? A lot? In public at completely inappropriate times during gut wrenchingly, emotionally anguished arias? Is that why you are always trying to give me a Werther’s? Because you eat them all the time in order to keep your cough at bay? Because I like candy, but that is not, in my opinion, a treat. So no thank you.
If it is not age, then maybe it is because you are actually allergic to opera? That may be a hard allergy to prove, but there is federal money being spent as we speak to get to the bottom of far less pressing matters – stem cells and what not. Maybe there is some test that can be done to prove that when certain notes are hit, your coughing reflex is just activated and you cannot help it! Then people like me, who are apparently immune from this threat and/or simply able to keep from coughing for three, full, consecutive hours can enjoy the performance without having to wonder about these things as sad, sad Cio-Cio San waits for a very, very, very long time for a man who will never come back for her. Then in the final death scene, when robust non-coughers like me want to get lost in the moment and wrap themselves up in the emotional tragedy that is Cio-Cio San’s suicide, they would not have “I bet she just couldn’t take the coughing anymore” pop in their head and ruin the moment. Maybe Eli Lilly will soon come out with an anti-coughing pill or elixir for just this purpose. It could be called “opera-tussin.” I think I will write them next.
In the mean time, if you truly cannot, no matter what, keep from coughing for the whole duration of an opera performance, ask yourself, “Is this really for me? Am I really enjoying this?” Because, if you are coughing that much, I can only guess that the time you are not coughing is just time during which all you can think about is trying not to cough because you do not want to draw attention to yourself via all this hacking but you do not know how to make it stop! This is an example of a “cough-shame-spiral.” I do not want you to be in this spiral any more than I want to listen to your coughing. But I also cannot in good conscience tell you to stay home as live performances clearly count on attendance to survive! Oh, what a quandary! I do not know the answers. But I do know that it is not Werther’s. Switch to something stronger – but something that doesn’t come in a crinkly wrapper! Do not make me write another letter.
Thank you,
Laura
Good evening! How are you doing? Are you feeling better than you were the other evening when you were at the opera? You’re fine? Really? Hmm… I guess I was confused about your health due to all your incessant coughing during the duration of Madame Butterfly. I would love to believe that it was a total fluke – that, because everybody who likes opera knows each other and goes to the same fancy cocktail parties, that one person got a cold and (bam!) next thing you know the whole audience for Saturday night’s performance has a little tickle in their throat. But this is not limited to Saturday’s performance of Madame Butterfly. This happens every time I have ever been to the opera - there seems to be this rash of coughers and it doesn’t matter what the season. Why is that? I demand to know!
I hate to be blunt, but is it because you are old? Now, I know it might seem that I harp on old people a lot – but it’s not really like that! You see, I have been told on several occasions that I like things that old people like: mash potatoes, The Golden Girls, Burt Bacharach, opera, voting... See? I can relate to your elderly pleasures! But is it a matter of fact that once you get old, you just cough? A lot? In public at completely inappropriate times during gut wrenchingly, emotionally anguished arias? Is that why you are always trying to give me a Werther’s? Because you eat them all the time in order to keep your cough at bay? Because I like candy, but that is not, in my opinion, a treat. So no thank you.
If it is not age, then maybe it is because you are actually allergic to opera? That may be a hard allergy to prove, but there is federal money being spent as we speak to get to the bottom of far less pressing matters – stem cells and what not. Maybe there is some test that can be done to prove that when certain notes are hit, your coughing reflex is just activated and you cannot help it! Then people like me, who are apparently immune from this threat and/or simply able to keep from coughing for three, full, consecutive hours can enjoy the performance without having to wonder about these things as sad, sad Cio-Cio San waits for a very, very, very long time for a man who will never come back for her. Then in the final death scene, when robust non-coughers like me want to get lost in the moment and wrap themselves up in the emotional tragedy that is Cio-Cio San’s suicide, they would not have “I bet she just couldn’t take the coughing anymore” pop in their head and ruin the moment. Maybe Eli Lilly will soon come out with an anti-coughing pill or elixir for just this purpose. It could be called “opera-tussin.” I think I will write them next.
In the mean time, if you truly cannot, no matter what, keep from coughing for the whole duration of an opera performance, ask yourself, “Is this really for me? Am I really enjoying this?” Because, if you are coughing that much, I can only guess that the time you are not coughing is just time during which all you can think about is trying not to cough because you do not want to draw attention to yourself via all this hacking but you do not know how to make it stop! This is an example of a “cough-shame-spiral.” I do not want you to be in this spiral any more than I want to listen to your coughing. But I also cannot in good conscience tell you to stay home as live performances clearly count on attendance to survive! Oh, what a quandary! I do not know the answers. But I do know that it is not Werther’s. Switch to something stronger – but something that doesn’t come in a crinkly wrapper! Do not make me write another letter.
Thank you,
Laura
Monday, November 17, 2008
Looking for closure and resolution with some of my organs
Dear Appendix –
Hello. I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me. It’s been what, almost two years? Wow. So much has happened in that time, but I won’t get into all of that right now. I just want you to know that I wish we could've parted on better terms. When you so abruptly decided you wanted out, I admit I was totally caught off guard. I didn't even know you were unhappy with me, let alone about to burst. One minute we’re at a fancy party eating Brie and socializing, and the next thing I know I’m politely trying to excuse myself without drawing attention to what was going on between us. I harbored a lot of anger over your inability to express yourself, and the communication breakdown that I put squarely at your feet. But I also recognize now that I was taking you for granted. I never even took the time to actually learn about your basic functions. In fact, surgeons and immunologists at Duke University Medical School just last year announced that they’re pretty sure your actual function has been found. But I guess it’s too late for that information to help us, huh? I’m sorry about that. I really am. Despite how painful (and ultimately expensive) the separation was, I want you to know that I've processed that pain and that I've reached a healing point. Sure, there are scars, but I'm in a good place now. I hope you are too appendix... I hope you are too...
Your former partner (host? I don’t really know… you were always so weird about labels),
Laura
Dear Kidneys –
Hey guys, what’s up? What’s going on back there? You’ve been awfully quiet over the past 6 months or so… I would love to believe that the reason is entirely benign. But as they used to tell us in Kidneys Anonymous, “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.” So, have you really kicked the habit, or are you about to go off the wagon again with the whole stone thing soon? Man, I would love to believe you when you say, “Seriously Laura, we’re totally done with that shit, ok? We’re like clean and spiritual and stuff and into charkas or whatever-the-fuck.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I realize that my mocking your past forays into bullshit fads instead of maybe actually dealing with your stone addiction might come off as a little flippant and frankly, that’s not a good way to communicate. Let me strike that. Because really kidneys, the bottom line is we’re going to be stuck with each other from now until the grave. Unlike some other people’s kidneys, even if I get into a horrendous automobile crash and the only thing left for my mangled body is the hope of organ harvest, ain’t nobody gonna want you two broke-ass, degenerate kidneys. Ok? So you may as well resign yourselves to this fact and shape up your act. I want to trust you again kidneys – I want to believe that you won’t ever again leave me flat on my back, writhing in agony just so you can pass a little stone. I suggest we start going to KA again. It might really help us. Just think about it ok? Think about it.
Until the end,
Laura
Dear Liver –
I will get right to the point liver: I’m worried about you. I’m worried that, despite lack of malice or intent on my part, that I’ve done irreparable damage to you. You’re so strong and stoic – it’s hard for me to get a good read on your actual state. But with this letter, I’m breaking the silence and hoping to open up a dialogue between us. Now, I know many people might think my concern is just overly anxious – after all, I hardly drink very much. But cirrhosis via alcoholism is only one of the ways I could screw up your life (and ultimately mine).
I’m more concerned about all the ibuprofen. I mean, I eat it like candy and you never complain. Let’s face it – those kidneys have not helped the situation with their penchant for pain causing. But despite my inclination to do so, I know I can’t blame it squarely on those degenerates. Simply put, when my body hurts, I take some pain medicine. I want you to know that I do take the prescribed dosage, and I even looked on the internet to make sure I wasn’t killing you. Google Answers said, “There is an increased risk of gastrointestinal problems, but long-term use of ibuprofen does not seem to have any important effects on the liver...” Though I would love to have a deeper conversation with you over what counts as an “important effect,” I did take some comfort in this news and hope you do as well. Now, that hydrocodone stuff is another story, and although I know that long term use could mess you up, rest assured that I don’t take it nearly often enough to badly damage you. I am pretty sure of this.
Well, I hope this check-in will prove useful for us. I feel good about it. I want us to just touch base more, you know? Don’t be afraid to speak up and let me know what’s on your mind. Thanks for all your hard work excreting toxins from my body all these years. It makes me feel anxious and guilty that I am unsure if you’d be useful or wanted as a donated organ. But I will keep my fingers crossed that you would be eagerly harvested from my body should it ever come to that.
Warmly,
Laura
PS – Don’t you think it’s weird, considering your job that people like to eat the livers of other animals? I just don’t really get that, do you??
Hello. I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me. It’s been what, almost two years? Wow. So much has happened in that time, but I won’t get into all of that right now. I just want you to know that I wish we could've parted on better terms. When you so abruptly decided you wanted out, I admit I was totally caught off guard. I didn't even know you were unhappy with me, let alone about to burst. One minute we’re at a fancy party eating Brie and socializing, and the next thing I know I’m politely trying to excuse myself without drawing attention to what was going on between us. I harbored a lot of anger over your inability to express yourself, and the communication breakdown that I put squarely at your feet. But I also recognize now that I was taking you for granted. I never even took the time to actually learn about your basic functions. In fact, surgeons and immunologists at Duke University Medical School just last year announced that they’re pretty sure your actual function has been found. But I guess it’s too late for that information to help us, huh? I’m sorry about that. I really am. Despite how painful (and ultimately expensive) the separation was, I want you to know that I've processed that pain and that I've reached a healing point. Sure, there are scars, but I'm in a good place now. I hope you are too appendix... I hope you are too...
Your former partner (host? I don’t really know… you were always so weird about labels),
Laura
Dear Kidneys –
Hey guys, what’s up? What’s going on back there? You’ve been awfully quiet over the past 6 months or so… I would love to believe that the reason is entirely benign. But as they used to tell us in Kidneys Anonymous, “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.” So, have you really kicked the habit, or are you about to go off the wagon again with the whole stone thing soon? Man, I would love to believe you when you say, “Seriously Laura, we’re totally done with that shit, ok? We’re like clean and spiritual and stuff and into charkas or whatever-the-fuck.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I realize that my mocking your past forays into bullshit fads instead of maybe actually dealing with your stone addiction might come off as a little flippant and frankly, that’s not a good way to communicate. Let me strike that. Because really kidneys, the bottom line is we’re going to be stuck with each other from now until the grave. Unlike some other people’s kidneys, even if I get into a horrendous automobile crash and the only thing left for my mangled body is the hope of organ harvest, ain’t nobody gonna want you two broke-ass, degenerate kidneys. Ok? So you may as well resign yourselves to this fact and shape up your act. I want to trust you again kidneys – I want to believe that you won’t ever again leave me flat on my back, writhing in agony just so you can pass a little stone. I suggest we start going to KA again. It might really help us. Just think about it ok? Think about it.
Until the end,
Laura
Dear Liver –
I will get right to the point liver: I’m worried about you. I’m worried that, despite lack of malice or intent on my part, that I’ve done irreparable damage to you. You’re so strong and stoic – it’s hard for me to get a good read on your actual state. But with this letter, I’m breaking the silence and hoping to open up a dialogue between us. Now, I know many people might think my concern is just overly anxious – after all, I hardly drink very much. But cirrhosis via alcoholism is only one of the ways I could screw up your life (and ultimately mine).
I’m more concerned about all the ibuprofen. I mean, I eat it like candy and you never complain. Let’s face it – those kidneys have not helped the situation with their penchant for pain causing. But despite my inclination to do so, I know I can’t blame it squarely on those degenerates. Simply put, when my body hurts, I take some pain medicine. I want you to know that I do take the prescribed dosage, and I even looked on the internet to make sure I wasn’t killing you. Google Answers said, “There is an increased risk of gastrointestinal problems, but long-term use of ibuprofen does not seem to have any important effects on the liver...” Though I would love to have a deeper conversation with you over what counts as an “important effect,” I did take some comfort in this news and hope you do as well. Now, that hydrocodone stuff is another story, and although I know that long term use could mess you up, rest assured that I don’t take it nearly often enough to badly damage you. I am pretty sure of this.
Well, I hope this check-in will prove useful for us. I feel good about it. I want us to just touch base more, you know? Don’t be afraid to speak up and let me know what’s on your mind. Thanks for all your hard work excreting toxins from my body all these years. It makes me feel anxious and guilty that I am unsure if you’d be useful or wanted as a donated organ. But I will keep my fingers crossed that you would be eagerly harvested from my body should it ever come to that.
Warmly,
Laura
PS – Don’t you think it’s weird, considering your job that people like to eat the livers of other animals? I just don’t really get that, do you??
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