Sunday, August 10, 2008

Get In Shape Girl!

Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 10:26 AM
Subject: Re: re: Looking for a workout buddy - w4m - 29 (Detroit)
Charles -

Thank you for responding to my craigslist ad.  While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding.  I really am just looking for "a workout buddy." I truly was not aware that this might be misconstrued as some sort of euphemism. As I mentioned in my ad, I am new to town and, like a lot of people, I have a hard time motivating myself to go work out.  With a work out buddy, I figure we could motivate each other. I don't however, think you and I are on the same page regarding our definition of "motivate each other."  Thanks and best of luck in your search.

Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 1:39 PM
Subject: Re: Just what I'm looking for

Stan -

Okay, I'll admit you had me going for a second.  I really thought to myself, "Wow, this guy's actually legit and not some weirdo with no intention of exercising with me." You got my hopes up by starting your response off with, "Wow, I've been looking for a work out buddy too - I think this could be a great fit." But alas, you quickly started to slide into weirdo territory. "I WANT TO BE YOUR THIIIIIGHMASTER!!!!!" was what gave you away. My friends all warned me that I shouldn't bother to even place this ad and I really wanted to prove them wrong. I don't know that I'm going to be successful in that.

Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 2:39 AM
Subject: Re: Craigslist

Mat -

I once knew a guy named "Mat." His mom was a junkie who never graduated from junior high. The story goes that when the nurse at the hospital gently tried to suggest that, perhaps she might choose for her son's legal name "Matthew," and she could call him "Matt" with the more common "two t spelling" for short, his mother whipped a switchblade from under her breast and cut the woman's cheek. If that's similar to your situation and how you also ended up one "t" shy of a legitimate name, I'm sorry. But it doesn't give you any excuse to be so pushy and rude.  No I'm not sending you a "picture in my work out clothes" or "one without!!!!"

Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: W@@@Z UP?!

MaXXX (is that how you really spell your name?) -

Wow, it seems like I have really barked up the wrong tree in my search for a work out buddy.  Your e mail doesn't even mention exercise at all.  In fact, it is comprised of so many strange symbols and short hand, that I don't really understand it. I don't really appreciate the expletives though, even with %&$@ in place if the actual words. Please don't contact me again.

Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 2:50 PM
Subject: Re: IM HOT

Sexy Beestman - 

Are you aware that you have responded to an ad placed in the "Strictly Platonic" section?  It seems like you would have more luck in the "Casual Encounters" category.  Unlike me, who is having no luck at all, and has probably gained weight over the last couple of days as I stress eat to attempt to forget just how many assholes have responded to my ad.

Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 5:20 PM
Subject: Re: I got your workout right here

All Nite Long -

For the sake of my psyche, I am going to do my best to believe that you've signed your response "All Nite Long" because you're a huge Lionel Richie fan, and not a huge slime ball. But I guess I do owe you a thanks. After all, your disgusting "workin' it" suggestions did include the phrase "doggie style" which led me to an epiphany. Fuck all you pigs - I'm getting a dog.


D'Anne Witkowski said...


(That's Internet shorthand for "Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off - and, incidentally, pulling out fistfuls of my hair and eating it!")

Oh, and by the way, any true Lionel Richie fan would sign his email, "Hello."

Laura said...

This is a sign of "pica-dementia" and I suggest you seek professional help for this rare and little known disorder.

Magic Pants Jones said...

This is officially the first time that I've laughed today. Thanks for that.


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