Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Not that Shocked: An Open letter to Michelle Shocked

Now with ironic title!

"When they stop Prop 8 and force priests at gunpoint to marry gays, it will be the downfall of civilization, and Jesus will come back." - Michelle Shocked to a flabbergasted crowd of protest song-lovin' San Francisco lesbians, 3-17-13

Dear Michelle:

Holy hatred, Ms. Shocked! That's quite the little anti-gay ranty-rant you gave at your recent San Francisco show. You are front and center in the news for possibly the first time since... I can't remember when you were last relevant, but at least the mid-90's. Your ability to obliterate your entire fan base in one evening is disturbingly impressive. You've got to be aware that, over the course of your whole career, your music has only appealed to one demographic: Rat-tailed lesbians with terrible taste in music (and hair styles). But apparently Jesus told you to go ahead and throw that all away in His name, huh? I hope, for your sake, he's got a career back-up plan for you. Because Holy Shit.

I'll just go ahead and say it: I have never liked your music. At all. But that doesn't mean I take any pleasure in watching you spiral out of control like a Baptist minister on a secret meth-fueled gay sex rampage. I think it's troublesome. I think you need help.  

Did you know that fervent religiosity is a red flag for a myriad of mental disorders? It's true! I highly suggest you pick up the book Devil in the Details: Scenes From an Obsessive Girlhood* by Jenny Traig. She talks about growing up dealing with scrupulosity, which is basically OCD with a religious bent. She also provides several examples of how some of the best-known religious leaders in history probably suffered from this as well. Which doesn't surprise me at all. I heard an NPR report on a church where the congregants spoke in tongues, and they did a little interview with a woman who interjected the word "Hey!" several times per sentence. Like how you would if you were hosting a party and wanted to quickly acknowledge new guests entering while you conversed with somebody. Her quote was basically like, "I believe that (hey!) the Lord is (hey!) speaking through me (hey!)..." My first thought was, "Hmm. That sounds an awful lot more like Tourette's Syndrome than it does a woman overcome by the power of His glory..." Since God supposedly works in "mysterious ways," I think he should employ some ways that are less like how crazy people act.

My point is, you owe it to yourself (and your fans) to go get a psych evaluation. Something is not right with you. I read a lot of advice columns in which people write in to complain about a sudden change in a loved one's behavior, and the first thing that's always recommended is to get that person checked out. Sometimes our brains need a tune up. Ain't no shame in that.

So, yeah. I'm pissed at your behavior and hateful words, but also worried about you. You've entered Victoria Jackson territory. She's so far gone I can't even be mad at her. Her rants are just depressing. Maybe that's your plan though! Maybe you and Ms. Jackson are already mapping out your double-headlining "Pathological and Pathetic: The Unchecked Mental Illness Tour." If so, I'll be sure to not buy tickets. Because this is America. And if you want to let yourself passively sink into shameful obscurity, it's your right. And it's my right to refuse to buy tickets to the crazy show. But it's not too late to help yourself. 

Thinking of you in this embarrassingly difficult time,


*I don't generally like to link to Amazon because I'd rather people support their local indie bookstore, but with your revenue stream coming to a screeching, gay-hating halt, I figure you'll need the lowest priced copy possible.

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