My very first piece for Thought Catalog is now up for your reading pleasure. Or strong displeasure. I can't control how you react to it. But please read it.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dear Facebook Friends: An open apology
Dear Facebook Friends:
I just wanted to say, if you were one of the many people who unfortunately received uncalled for communication from me on Facebook this past week, I am really sorry. I guess I’ve just been in a funk lately, and, combined with my still simmering hatred for the “new Facebook”, I unfortunately turned this negativity outward. Though I am guessing I will leave some out, here are a few of the more egregious communications, for which I am sorry:
Shelly – when you updated your status earlier this week to jokingly infer that your husband might up and leave you when he saw how short you cut your hair, I should’ve just joined the others with a simple, “I’m sure he’ll love it!” or “LOL, you are so silly.” But instead I wrote, “I bet he’s already cheating on you.” The fact that you were the bigger person and totally ignored my comment is admirable. So I should’ve left well enough alone when the next day, you updated your status to, “Shelly wants to say thanks for all of the reassurances and compliments about my new do - great to have such supportive friends!” But no, I did not. Against my better judgment I typed “You’ll need that kind of support when Bill leaves you for somebody with cuter hair.” To be fair, I REALLY don’t think he’s cheating on you OR that he’s going to leave you. Or even that your hair cut is THAT bad. I just found your compliment fishing trip to be really tedious and I lashed out. I am sorry.
Jeff – your most recent status update didn’t warrant an attack. But attack you I did. When you posted, “Really, I have nothing to say,” it was just the boring straw that broke the back of your boring life I guess. But still, “Your life is so boring. Please delete me from your friend list. I’d do it myself, but I’m being charitable and giving you a task with which you can occupy at least a small fraction of time since you clearly need it” was beyond the pale. Though this doesn’t make my comment fair, it’s not like this "update" was a departure from a proven track record of witty or interesting status updates. I mean, JESUS CHRIST you’re dull. The update before that said, “I am going to take a shower and go to bed” which, I couldn’t help but notice, was posted at 8:02pm. The most exciting thing that seems to have happened in your life are the new cabinets you got for your kitchen last month (nice pictures by the way – all 600 or so of them). That is the high point of your existence from what I can tell. Wow. I just realized that in addition to my inappropriate comment, I have taken the time to further lash out at you when I should be apologizing. So a double apology there.
Anita – I know you’re going through a rough time. The divorce, your cat’s death, the recent car accident… It’s a lot to deal with. Facebook has been an important outlet for you from what I can tell by how you post all the time about how crummy your life is. Almost every single update seems to be designed to evoke reassurance and pity or is a hateful, thinly veiled comment about your ex husband. I've tried to just put up with it, but truth be told, you’re a bit of a downer. Especially since your posts don’t exactly point to any real progress toward getting to a good place – just a lot of hatred and binge drinking. But when I clicked, “Likes this” for your “I wish I were dead” update, it was passive-aggressive and mean. Even if it WAS like the sixth time you expressed your desire to die in the last two days. It gets old, the cries for help. But the point is, I’m sorry. Also that you should see a therapist. Somebody needed to say it.
Chad – Wow, you take a lot of quizzes. I’m sure you find Facebook quizzes to be clever and a good use of your time. And up until the other day, I’ve always just hit the “hide” button when I see the results of your, “Which John Lennon song are you?” quiz. So you like quizzes – what’s the harm? But the other day was different. You took the following quizzes all in a row:
Am I evil? (You are evil. Very evil)
Am I going to Hell? (You’re going to Hell – AND you’re “going to give Satan a run for his money”)
Am I capable of murder? (Yes. “Cold blooded” even.)
Am I a sociopath? (Your "lack of remorse, shame or guilt" and your "inability to love" say "YES!")
How horny are you? (You’re “desperately horny” and will, “do anything” for sex)
Are you a misogynist? (Yes – “women should steer clear of you”)
Could I get away with murder? (Easily. The police will “never catch you”)
I mean, how could I NOT send the police to your house? Yes, I realize now these quizzes were just stupid time wasters and you thought they were funny. But you’re kind of a creepy guy in the first place and I had stayed up really late the night before watching a Forensic Files marathon. So sue me! Or, actually, please don’t. I obviously didn’t intend for you to lose your teaching job over this. Though it’s not MY fault you were passed out naked with a bong in your lap when the police got there. If anything, the fact you’re a pot smoker should’ve relieved the police – it’s hard to be an evil murderer when you’re so baked you can’t even put on pants. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear my philosophy on the inefficacy of American drug policy right now. What you really want to hear is, “I’m sorry.” Since you’ve deleted me as your Facebook friend, I don’t know that you’ll get this, but maybe a mutual friend will be kind and pass it along.
I’ll have you know that I’ve “grounded” myself from Facebook for a whole week, and my therapist and I are working on getting to the bottom of, as she puts it, “my stubborn refusal to engage appropriately via social networking.” I already feel like I’ve made a lot of progress just with this letter. So thank you everybody. It’s now time for me to go through my Twitter account and see if I’ve done any damage there as well.
Yours (unless you've deleted me) in Facebook friendship,
Janet Toll
I just wanted to say, if you were one of the many people who unfortunately received uncalled for communication from me on Facebook this past week, I am really sorry. I guess I’ve just been in a funk lately, and, combined with my still simmering hatred for the “new Facebook”, I unfortunately turned this negativity outward. Though I am guessing I will leave some out, here are a few of the more egregious communications, for which I am sorry:
Shelly – when you updated your status earlier this week to jokingly infer that your husband might up and leave you when he saw how short you cut your hair, I should’ve just joined the others with a simple, “I’m sure he’ll love it!” or “LOL, you are so silly.” But instead I wrote, “I bet he’s already cheating on you.” The fact that you were the bigger person and totally ignored my comment is admirable. So I should’ve left well enough alone when the next day, you updated your status to, “Shelly wants to say thanks for all of the reassurances and compliments about my new do - great to have such supportive friends!” But no, I did not. Against my better judgment I typed “You’ll need that kind of support when Bill leaves you for somebody with cuter hair.” To be fair, I REALLY don’t think he’s cheating on you OR that he’s going to leave you. Or even that your hair cut is THAT bad. I just found your compliment fishing trip to be really tedious and I lashed out. I am sorry.
Jeff – your most recent status update didn’t warrant an attack. But attack you I did. When you posted, “Really, I have nothing to say,” it was just the boring straw that broke the back of your boring life I guess. But still, “Your life is so boring. Please delete me from your friend list. I’d do it myself, but I’m being charitable and giving you a task with which you can occupy at least a small fraction of time since you clearly need it” was beyond the pale. Though this doesn’t make my comment fair, it’s not like this "update" was a departure from a proven track record of witty or interesting status updates. I mean, JESUS CHRIST you’re dull. The update before that said, “I am going to take a shower and go to bed” which, I couldn’t help but notice, was posted at 8:02pm. The most exciting thing that seems to have happened in your life are the new cabinets you got for your kitchen last month (nice pictures by the way – all 600 or so of them). That is the high point of your existence from what I can tell. Wow. I just realized that in addition to my inappropriate comment, I have taken the time to further lash out at you when I should be apologizing. So a double apology there.
Anita – I know you’re going through a rough time. The divorce, your cat’s death, the recent car accident… It’s a lot to deal with. Facebook has been an important outlet for you from what I can tell by how you post all the time about how crummy your life is. Almost every single update seems to be designed to evoke reassurance and pity or is a hateful, thinly veiled comment about your ex husband. I've tried to just put up with it, but truth be told, you’re a bit of a downer. Especially since your posts don’t exactly point to any real progress toward getting to a good place – just a lot of hatred and binge drinking. But when I clicked, “Likes this” for your “I wish I were dead” update, it was passive-aggressive and mean. Even if it WAS like the sixth time you expressed your desire to die in the last two days. It gets old, the cries for help. But the point is, I’m sorry. Also that you should see a therapist. Somebody needed to say it.
Chad – Wow, you take a lot of quizzes. I’m sure you find Facebook quizzes to be clever and a good use of your time. And up until the other day, I’ve always just hit the “hide” button when I see the results of your, “Which John Lennon song are you?” quiz. So you like quizzes – what’s the harm? But the other day was different. You took the following quizzes all in a row:
Am I evil? (You are evil. Very evil)
Am I going to Hell? (You’re going to Hell – AND you’re “going to give Satan a run for his money”)
Am I capable of murder? (Yes. “Cold blooded” even.)
Am I a sociopath? (Your "lack of remorse, shame or guilt" and your "inability to love" say "YES!")
How horny are you? (You’re “desperately horny” and will, “do anything” for sex)
Are you a misogynist? (Yes – “women should steer clear of you”)
Could I get away with murder? (Easily. The police will “never catch you”)
I mean, how could I NOT send the police to your house? Yes, I realize now these quizzes were just stupid time wasters and you thought they were funny. But you’re kind of a creepy guy in the first place and I had stayed up really late the night before watching a Forensic Files marathon. So sue me! Or, actually, please don’t. I obviously didn’t intend for you to lose your teaching job over this. Though it’s not MY fault you were passed out naked with a bong in your lap when the police got there. If anything, the fact you’re a pot smoker should’ve relieved the police – it’s hard to be an evil murderer when you’re so baked you can’t even put on pants. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear my philosophy on the inefficacy of American drug policy right now. What you really want to hear is, “I’m sorry.” Since you’ve deleted me as your Facebook friend, I don’t know that you’ll get this, but maybe a mutual friend will be kind and pass it along.
I’ll have you know that I’ve “grounded” myself from Facebook for a whole week, and my therapist and I are working on getting to the bottom of, as she puts it, “my stubborn refusal to engage appropriately via social networking.” I already feel like I’ve made a lot of progress just with this letter. So thank you everybody. It’s now time for me to go through my Twitter account and see if I’ve done any damage there as well.
Yours (unless you've deleted me) in Facebook friendship,
Janet Toll
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Amazon 1 Star Reviews
My friend Meghan posted a link on the FaceSpace today to Cynical-C Blog that frequently features one star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Very funny, yet intellectually frightening! Though my favorite was a review for The Sounds of Music (“This movie was made in the sixties, we live in the 21st century, GET OVER IT!“), here are some highlights from classic albums featured. I have not corrected any of these for spelling or punctuation (obviously):
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
“Why this album is so popular will always be a mystery to me. I guess if you take a lot of drugs anything will sound good.”
“IF you were born after 1965, don’t even think of wasting money on this… If you’re saying to yourself “But it was so popular and it was in the charts for years”, remember that millions wasted money on bell-bottoms and mood rings.”
The Beatles - Abbey Road
“… the song “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” could have been written by a child.”
“I just dont like it because it sucks! Dont listen to the moronic 5 star reviewers below.”
The Beatles - The White Album
“Only music arty farty music critics continue to ramble on about their music. For the need of something to say.”
“…it is unbearable to listen to it gives me the shrivels!”
Jimi Hendrix - Are You Experienced?
“This guy is way overatted just because he died young.”
“…all this album is is a bunch of blues tunes that go nowhere.”
Of course this piqued my curiosity about albums that I feel are classic and what one star reviews they might’ve gotten… So I paid Amazon a visit and went a searchin’ for some of my favorite records. Enjoy...
Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville
“Of course, don't ever, ever - EVER! - criticize something a woman has done, especially if she's one of the ordained favorites of insular media critics otherwise they will smite you with the inevitable ‘You have a short ****!’”
Sonic Youth – Dirty
“If I wanted to hear this I could go down to the local foundary yard and listen to them cutting steel.. FOR FREE.”
Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
“I really think singing lessons are a path in which this artist needs to travel.”
“It sounds like its been recorded in a bedroom with no carpeting or furnishings to speak of, and using a guitar found in the shopping trolley of a can collecting toothless old lady.”
Belle & Sebastian – If You’re Feeling Sinister
“This album makes me increasingly violent as time goes on.”
“I don't get it. Maybe it's cuz i'm not gay.”
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
"Like something my parents would listen to."
"This music is so stupid and weird not in a good unique way but just an uncomfortable way like when you are at someone's house and you don't like them and want to go home but you can't and you probably have to spend the night in their living room...."
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
“Why this album is so popular will always be a mystery to me. I guess if you take a lot of drugs anything will sound good.”
“IF you were born after 1965, don’t even think of wasting money on this… If you’re saying to yourself “But it was so popular and it was in the charts for years”, remember that millions wasted money on bell-bottoms and mood rings.”
The Beatles - Abbey Road
“… the song “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” could have been written by a child.”
“I just dont like it because it sucks! Dont listen to the moronic 5 star reviewers below.”
The Beatles - The White Album
“Only music arty farty music critics continue to ramble on about their music. For the need of something to say.”
“…it is unbearable to listen to it gives me the shrivels!”
Jimi Hendrix - Are You Experienced?
“This guy is way overatted just because he died young.”
“…all this album is is a bunch of blues tunes that go nowhere.”
Of course this piqued my curiosity about albums that I feel are classic and what one star reviews they might’ve gotten… So I paid Amazon a visit and went a searchin’ for some of my favorite records. Enjoy...
Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville
“Of course, don't ever, ever - EVER! - criticize something a woman has done, especially if she's one of the ordained favorites of insular media critics otherwise they will smite you with the inevitable ‘You have a short ****!’”
Sonic Youth – Dirty
“If I wanted to hear this I could go down to the local foundary yard and listen to them cutting steel.. FOR FREE.”
Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
“I really think singing lessons are a path in which this artist needs to travel.”
“It sounds like its been recorded in a bedroom with no carpeting or furnishings to speak of, and using a guitar found in the shopping trolley of a can collecting toothless old lady.”
Belle & Sebastian – If You’re Feeling Sinister
“This album makes me increasingly violent as time goes on.”
“I don't get it. Maybe it's cuz i'm not gay.”
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
"Like something my parents would listen to."
"This music is so stupid and weird not in a good unique way but just an uncomfortable way like when you are at someone's house and you don't like them and want to go home but you can't and you probably have to spend the night in their living room...."
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dear Friends and Fellow Tea Lovers
Dear Friends and Fellow Tea Lovers,
I just wanted to take a second to let all of you know how much I appreciated and enjoyed your company at my “Teabagging Party” last night. Considering I’ve been doing these for YEARS, it was really exciting to see such an unprecedented turn out. I mean, I’ve always felt that doing your taxes is an activity that leaves one very thirsty – and what better way to reward your thirst (and the completion of a complicated filing job well done!) than with nature’s tastiest treat – a cup of hot tea? Remember last year, when Ethel brought an assortment of animal figurines she had collected from Red Rose tea boxes back in the 80’s and passed them around to share? What a hoot! And I’m not just referring to the tiny owl statuette which was my favorite! I didn’t think we’d be able to top that kind of excitement this year – or even match it seeing as poor Ethel passed away shortly after the last party. Poor woman – and her no good children just rifled through her things like they were at a rummage sale, didn’t they? I hear they just threw all those Red Rose animal statuettes and her autographed Harlequin novels in the trash calling them “useless junk.” Humph! Makes me glad I never had children to break my heart when I die. I digress…
This year’s teabagging party… My, oh, my – where do I start? I had mentioned to Ed, my neighbor that I was having my annual teabagging party and though he usually just nods his head politely and buries his face in his Soldier of Fortune magazine, he seemed really interested! In fact, he looked left and right and leaned into me and said, “Wow Ruth, I didn’t know you were one of us.” Heavens to Betsy, he said that! I didn’t even know he liked tea let alone felt so strongly about it. I tried to ask him whether he preferred loose leaf, herbal, and (the million dollar question!) which Celestial Seasons flavor he couldn’t live without, but before I could finish, he mumbled something about Glenn Beck, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “We’ll be there – in solidarity.” I wasn’t sure who this “we” he referred to was seeing as he lives alone and generally keeps to himself, but I was happy to hear he was interested in attending – the more the merrier! Though it is generally rude to invite yourself to a party, is it not? Things have changed so much since the good old days...
A couple hours later as I was raking crab crass out of the back yard (quite a workout for an old lady!) Steven, one of the handsome boys who live behind me, was listening to the loud “boom boom” dance music and tending to his garden (can you believe it? Two men living together with such a nice garden and not a woman in sight! And you should see the size of their cucumbers!). He and his roommate are always so sweet and polite to me, giving me veggies from their garden (though I suspect he has quite a sweet tooth what with that "Twinkie" shirt he's always wearing)... Anyhow, I mentioned to him that I was excited about my upcoming teabagging party and he looked positively shocked to hear about it! Apparently he and his roommate have hosted several teabagging parties just in the last few months at their home! I was so surprised to find I was surrounded by tea drinkers! “Ruthie girl! You’re a freaky lady, I love it!” is what he said to me! I don’t understand the terminology of young people these days, but he seemed so enthusiastic, that of course I invited him and his roommate. “We will be there with balls on!” he said and started laughing. When I corrected him and said, “I think you meant ‘bells on,’” he put his hand on my shoulder, winked and walked back into the house.
All of you are well aware of what happened next, and frankly all I can do is apologize. I’m still stunned. Why Ed and his friends were dressed in camouflage and brought along extra copies of the NRA newsletter to hand out, I’m still not sure. Regardless, they were not very festive – in fact they were very hostile and kept talking about “teabagging Obama, the fascist.” One of them kept mentioning his involvement in the Michigan Militia – and I don’t think he meant a militia of tea drinkers! When Steven and his roommate Billy showed up with cans of whip cream and prophylactics saying, “We’re ready for teabagging!” I thought my heart would stop! They must’ve come to my house from a pool hall, because Billy asked me if I wanted an "8 ball" – he must’ve taken one as a souvenir after a winning game, I’d imagine. I politely declined (it would look so out of place on my mantle with my Precious Moments figurines), though it is a pretty creative choice for a hostess gift, isn’t it? When Billy responded to Ed that he’d love to teabag Obama, Ed pounced on him screaming, “You are what’s wrong with this country!” I didn’t know what to think! Then when Ed took a can of whip cream to the head, I knew it was time to call it a night! The nerve! They completely ruined our party. And none of them even brought any tea along to share with the others! Such rudeness!
I thought it would be fun to have some new faces, but I was wrong – next year it’ll be just us ladies again with our tea and that’s final! If it’s not too “over the top” maybe we can share pictures of our cats in jaunty hats – I hear some of the ladies at the American Legion did this after a Mary Kay party last year and they’re still talking about it! We’ll see…
Again thank you for coming, and I hope you understand that I’m just as confused and horrified as you all are – what is this country coming to?
Your friend in tea,
Ruth Johnson
I just wanted to take a second to let all of you know how much I appreciated and enjoyed your company at my “Teabagging Party” last night. Considering I’ve been doing these for YEARS, it was really exciting to see such an unprecedented turn out. I mean, I’ve always felt that doing your taxes is an activity that leaves one very thirsty – and what better way to reward your thirst (and the completion of a complicated filing job well done!) than with nature’s tastiest treat – a cup of hot tea? Remember last year, when Ethel brought an assortment of animal figurines she had collected from Red Rose tea boxes back in the 80’s and passed them around to share? What a hoot! And I’m not just referring to the tiny owl statuette which was my favorite! I didn’t think we’d be able to top that kind of excitement this year – or even match it seeing as poor Ethel passed away shortly after the last party. Poor woman – and her no good children just rifled through her things like they were at a rummage sale, didn’t they? I hear they just threw all those Red Rose animal statuettes and her autographed Harlequin novels in the trash calling them “useless junk.” Humph! Makes me glad I never had children to break my heart when I die. I digress…
This year’s teabagging party… My, oh, my – where do I start? I had mentioned to Ed, my neighbor that I was having my annual teabagging party and though he usually just nods his head politely and buries his face in his Soldier of Fortune magazine, he seemed really interested! In fact, he looked left and right and leaned into me and said, “Wow Ruth, I didn’t know you were one of us.” Heavens to Betsy, he said that! I didn’t even know he liked tea let alone felt so strongly about it. I tried to ask him whether he preferred loose leaf, herbal, and (the million dollar question!) which Celestial Seasons flavor he couldn’t live without, but before I could finish, he mumbled something about Glenn Beck, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “We’ll be there – in solidarity.” I wasn’t sure who this “we” he referred to was seeing as he lives alone and generally keeps to himself, but I was happy to hear he was interested in attending – the more the merrier! Though it is generally rude to invite yourself to a party, is it not? Things have changed so much since the good old days...
A couple hours later as I was raking crab crass out of the back yard (quite a workout for an old lady!) Steven, one of the handsome boys who live behind me, was listening to the loud “boom boom” dance music and tending to his garden (can you believe it? Two men living together with such a nice garden and not a woman in sight! And you should see the size of their cucumbers!). He and his roommate are always so sweet and polite to me, giving me veggies from their garden (though I suspect he has quite a sweet tooth what with that "Twinkie" shirt he's always wearing)... Anyhow, I mentioned to him that I was excited about my upcoming teabagging party and he looked positively shocked to hear about it! Apparently he and his roommate have hosted several teabagging parties just in the last few months at their home! I was so surprised to find I was surrounded by tea drinkers! “Ruthie girl! You’re a freaky lady, I love it!” is what he said to me! I don’t understand the terminology of young people these days, but he seemed so enthusiastic, that of course I invited him and his roommate. “We will be there with balls on!” he said and started laughing. When I corrected him and said, “I think you meant ‘bells on,’” he put his hand on my shoulder, winked and walked back into the house.
All of you are well aware of what happened next, and frankly all I can do is apologize. I’m still stunned. Why Ed and his friends were dressed in camouflage and brought along extra copies of the NRA newsletter to hand out, I’m still not sure. Regardless, they were not very festive – in fact they were very hostile and kept talking about “teabagging Obama, the fascist.” One of them kept mentioning his involvement in the Michigan Militia – and I don’t think he meant a militia of tea drinkers! When Steven and his roommate Billy showed up with cans of whip cream and prophylactics saying, “We’re ready for teabagging!” I thought my heart would stop! They must’ve come to my house from a pool hall, because Billy asked me if I wanted an "8 ball" – he must’ve taken one as a souvenir after a winning game, I’d imagine. I politely declined (it would look so out of place on my mantle with my Precious Moments figurines), though it is a pretty creative choice for a hostess gift, isn’t it? When Billy responded to Ed that he’d love to teabag Obama, Ed pounced on him screaming, “You are what’s wrong with this country!” I didn’t know what to think! Then when Ed took a can of whip cream to the head, I knew it was time to call it a night! The nerve! They completely ruined our party. And none of them even brought any tea along to share with the others! Such rudeness!
I thought it would be fun to have some new faces, but I was wrong – next year it’ll be just us ladies again with our tea and that’s final! If it’s not too “over the top” maybe we can share pictures of our cats in jaunty hats – I hear some of the ladies at the American Legion did this after a Mary Kay party last year and they’re still talking about it! We’ll see…
Again thank you for coming, and I hope you understand that I’m just as confused and horrified as you all are – what is this country coming to?
Your friend in tea,
Ruth Johnson
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Operation: This House Ain’t Gonna Clean Itself
Dear Mr. Daniels:
I just received your Group Volunteer Project Request Form and wanted to thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your “Operation: This House Ain’t Gonna Clean Itself” event. I can tell by your very thoughtful and lengthy answers that you were really looking forward to our organization’s participation and help with this project. As a result, it’s with much regret that I must deny your request. First of all, we only coordinate with 501c3 non-profit organizations. Under the “Non-Profit Status” section you put: "I don’t have any money or a job – so that should count as a non-profit, right? As for 501c3, I do not have any current penal code violations to the best of my knowledge. That thing with my neighbor shouldn’t count because that bitch told me she wouldn’t press charges.” Secondly, in the “Please describe your project and include number of people and hours” section, you’ve basically come up with a very detailed “spring cleaning” list for what I presume is your personal residence. You have also listed as the reason for said project something about “wanting the place to look nice for when I can afford a straight up prostitute for an entire evening.” Although we at VIM like flexibility in a project, we’re afraid your request of, “a few people, whenever. I am almost always home unless I’m at the liquor store” is a bit too vague. Additionally, though our volunteers sometimes bring some materials with them for various projects, your inability to provide even the most basic of cleaning supplies is unacceptable. I realize in your explanation you said, “I called Molly Maids and those bitches bring their own stuff, so your guys should too” but I think you’re missing the distinction that Molly Maids is a for hire service whereas Volunteers In Motion provides volunteers for worthy endeavors for free. The bottom line is, we are exceptionally uncomfortable with the idea that our volunteers would be working to clean your home with their own personal supplies in order for you to have a more hygienic place in which to participate in illicit activity. Again we thank you for your interest and we’re sorry we cannot accommodate your request.
Best of luck with your project,
Tim Miller
Project Coordinator
Volunteers In Motion
PS – Enclosed you should also find the dollar bill that you included with your Group Volunteer Project Request form. I am not sure why you sent this to me, other than maybe as a possible bribe? Such actions are unacceptable, and frankly insulting.
I just received your Group Volunteer Project Request Form and wanted to thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your “Operation: This House Ain’t Gonna Clean Itself” event. I can tell by your very thoughtful and lengthy answers that you were really looking forward to our organization’s participation and help with this project. As a result, it’s with much regret that I must deny your request. First of all, we only coordinate with 501c3 non-profit organizations. Under the “Non-Profit Status” section you put: "I don’t have any money or a job – so that should count as a non-profit, right? As for 501c3, I do not have any current penal code violations to the best of my knowledge. That thing with my neighbor shouldn’t count because that bitch told me she wouldn’t press charges.” Secondly, in the “Please describe your project and include number of people and hours” section, you’ve basically come up with a very detailed “spring cleaning” list for what I presume is your personal residence. You have also listed as the reason for said project something about “wanting the place to look nice for when I can afford a straight up prostitute for an entire evening.” Although we at VIM like flexibility in a project, we’re afraid your request of, “a few people, whenever. I am almost always home unless I’m at the liquor store” is a bit too vague. Additionally, though our volunteers sometimes bring some materials with them for various projects, your inability to provide even the most basic of cleaning supplies is unacceptable. I realize in your explanation you said, “I called Molly Maids and those bitches bring their own stuff, so your guys should too” but I think you’re missing the distinction that Molly Maids is a for hire service whereas Volunteers In Motion provides volunteers for worthy endeavors for free. The bottom line is, we are exceptionally uncomfortable with the idea that our volunteers would be working to clean your home with their own personal supplies in order for you to have a more hygienic place in which to participate in illicit activity. Again we thank you for your interest and we’re sorry we cannot accommodate your request.
Best of luck with your project,
Tim Miller
Project Coordinator
Volunteers In Motion
PS – Enclosed you should also find the dollar bill that you included with your Group Volunteer Project Request form. I am not sure why you sent this to me, other than maybe as a possible bribe? Such actions are unacceptable, and frankly insulting.
Friday, January 23, 2009
CVS Update: My Patronage WILL go on…
I was beginning to wonder if my letter to CVS regarding the stale peanut butter pretzels was going to result in a response, but the other day my fears were abated after long last. As I was leaving for work Tuesday morning my phone rang. Now, I’m not trying to bring attention to my lack of popularity, but when my phone rings at ALL, my first thought is, “Who on Earth would be calling me?” My second thought is (of course), “Oh God, oh God – somebody has died.” Even if somebody does actually call me, it is a rare, rare occasion that they would do so before 9:00am on a weekday. I mean, who’s UP at that hour other than the gainfully employed? Jeez! What kind of company do you think I keep?
So my phone rings, and it is an out of state number. I answer:
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Laura Witkowski?”
“Yes.”
“Hello, my name is John and I’m calling from the (indecipherable) corporation.”
“I’m sorry, where are you calling from?”
“The (indecipherable) corporation. I’m calling regarding some pretzels you purchased from us?”
“Oh, yes! The pretzels from CVS! Are you actually calling from Woonsocket, Rhode Island? Is this CVS CEO Mr. Thomas Ryan?!”
“Um, no… But I am contacting you regarding your original communication to us – it says here that the pretzels were stale? Can you describe the issue in more detail?”
“Well, I think so. They were stale – but is was really more of a moldy flavor. You know, like mold.”
“So were they moldy or stale? How did they taste?”
“Well, I would say that if a product is moldy, the likelihood of it also being stale is quite high. The product tasted moldy. You know, like mold.”
“I see. Do you still have the product?”
“Yes! I always hold on to opened and partially consumed moldy products for over a month as I wait for a response from the company regarding the issue in hopes that said retained product may be of use to the manufacturer should they choose to finally contact me.”
“Oh good. Do you have the bag handy?”
“I was kidding – I no longer have the product. I returned it to the store the very same day and took advantage of the CVS Brand product money back guarantee. I made mention of this in my original letter about the issue. You can ask Mr. Ryan.”
“Oh. Okay then. Well, we’re sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with the product. We would like to send you a replacement in the mail to show you our gratitude for bringing the issue to our attention.”
“Okay – that sounds great.”
“We’ll mail something out in the next day or so. Thanks again for contacting us.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you for your call. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
And like magic, a few days later, a letter arrived that contained a CVS gift card for three dollars. According to Janet, the customer relations representative who was assigned the task of responding to me, as a result of my comments, they will request that the manufacturer investigate the problem I have experienced and take the necessary action to prevent a recurrence in the future.
Now, I don’t want to tell CVS how to run their business, but I think a good start in this investigation is to insist that CVS stores take expired products off their shelves. I know this seems obvious, but just the other day I was at the same CVS location from which I purchased the pretzels, and lo and behold, I noticed that they STILL had the same expired pretzel stock on their shelves. Again, I am not a business guru, but when it is mid-January of 2009 and a product has an expiration date of November 2008, maybe it’s time to admit that this product will not and should not ever be sold. I brought it to the attention of the cashier at the store, but I won’t lie – she didn’t seem appropriately moved by this information. Our conversation went something like this:
“No thank you, I won’t need a bag. Also, just so you are aware, your CVS Gold Emblem Pretzel stock is expired. Almost every variety in fact.”
" ... "(blank stare)
“They expired back in November.”
“Oh … of what year?”
“November of 2008. So about two months ago.”
“Oh … okay.”
“Alright then.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you. Have a good day.”
“Mmm Hmm.”
Well, I tried my best. It is now in the hands of those at CVS who are assigned to tracking down the source of the problems when customer complaints arise. I imagine them to look a lot like the detectives from old film noir movies – except they have “CVS Sleuth” embroidered on their trench coat pocket. I just hope that they don’t go all rogue and shit and make up their own definition of “necessary action.” I don’t want to see anybody mowed down or any factories torched because I had a bad moldy pretzel experience. But what can I say? It really is out of my hands. As they say in AA (or so I’ve heard) I must “let go and let God.” Amen.
So my phone rings, and it is an out of state number. I answer:
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Laura Witkowski?”
“Yes.”
“Hello, my name is John and I’m calling from the (indecipherable) corporation.”
“I’m sorry, where are you calling from?”
“The (indecipherable) corporation. I’m calling regarding some pretzels you purchased from us?”
“Oh, yes! The pretzels from CVS! Are you actually calling from Woonsocket, Rhode Island? Is this CVS CEO Mr. Thomas Ryan?!”
“Um, no… But I am contacting you regarding your original communication to us – it says here that the pretzels were stale? Can you describe the issue in more detail?”
“Well, I think so. They were stale – but is was really more of a moldy flavor. You know, like mold.”
“So were they moldy or stale? How did they taste?”
“Well, I would say that if a product is moldy, the likelihood of it also being stale is quite high. The product tasted moldy. You know, like mold.”
“I see. Do you still have the product?”
“Yes! I always hold on to opened and partially consumed moldy products for over a month as I wait for a response from the company regarding the issue in hopes that said retained product may be of use to the manufacturer should they choose to finally contact me.”
“Oh good. Do you have the bag handy?”
“I was kidding – I no longer have the product. I returned it to the store the very same day and took advantage of the CVS Brand product money back guarantee. I made mention of this in my original letter about the issue. You can ask Mr. Ryan.”
“Oh. Okay then. Well, we’re sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with the product. We would like to send you a replacement in the mail to show you our gratitude for bringing the issue to our attention.”
“Okay – that sounds great.”
“We’ll mail something out in the next day or so. Thanks again for contacting us.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you for your call. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
And like magic, a few days later, a letter arrived that contained a CVS gift card for three dollars. According to Janet, the customer relations representative who was assigned the task of responding to me, as a result of my comments, they will request that the manufacturer investigate the problem I have experienced and take the necessary action to prevent a recurrence in the future.
Now, I don’t want to tell CVS how to run their business, but I think a good start in this investigation is to insist that CVS stores take expired products off their shelves. I know this seems obvious, but just the other day I was at the same CVS location from which I purchased the pretzels, and lo and behold, I noticed that they STILL had the same expired pretzel stock on their shelves. Again, I am not a business guru, but when it is mid-January of 2009 and a product has an expiration date of November 2008, maybe it’s time to admit that this product will not and should not ever be sold. I brought it to the attention of the cashier at the store, but I won’t lie – she didn’t seem appropriately moved by this information. Our conversation went something like this:
“No thank you, I won’t need a bag. Also, just so you are aware, your CVS Gold Emblem Pretzel stock is expired. Almost every variety in fact.”
" ... "(blank stare)
“They expired back in November.”
“Oh … of what year?”
“November of 2008. So about two months ago.”
“Oh … okay.”
“Alright then.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you. Have a good day.”
“Mmm Hmm.”
Well, I tried my best. It is now in the hands of those at CVS who are assigned to tracking down the source of the problems when customer complaints arise. I imagine them to look a lot like the detectives from old film noir movies – except they have “CVS Sleuth” embroidered on their trench coat pocket. I just hope that they don’t go all rogue and shit and make up their own definition of “necessary action.” I don’t want to see anybody mowed down or any factories torched because I had a bad moldy pretzel experience. But what can I say? It really is out of my hands. As they say in AA (or so I’ve heard) I must “let go and let God.” Amen.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A letter to the C.E.O. of CVS, Mr. Thomas Ryan
I just wrote and mailed the following letter. In the tradition of sharing that Thanksgiving is sometimes known for, I am posting it for your enrichment. Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
November 26, 2008
Mr. Thomas Ryan, CEO
Corporate Headquarters
One CVS Drive
Woonsocket, RI 02895
Dear Mr. Ryan:
Hello. My name is Laura Witkowski and I am frequent CVS shopper. Although I cannot completely pinpoint why your store is far superior to Rite Aid or Walgreens, I always find myself regretting a trip to one of your competitors and wishing I would have just taken the extra minute or so to locate a CVS store. One time, I had a dog that was on a psychotropic medication, and the pharmacy at Rite Aid misread the dosage and refilled it with a much lower dose. I didn't realize this until the poor dog, over the next week or so, started to get gradually worse and revert back to his unstable ways. It took us several more weeks to get him back up to speed. Thanks a lot Rite Aid!
But psychotropic medication mishap memories are not the reason I am writing to you today. It is actually because of chocolate: CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels to be exact. I think it is important to say upfront that my purchase of said product was driven by a combination of having a bad day at work and noticing that CVS has the uncanny ability to play the absolute last song I would want to hear at that moment every time I am in the store. It's eerie really. So as I'm sure you can relate, I'm having a bad day, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" starts drifting out of the CVS sound system, and next thing I know I'm forgoing that planned Luna bar purchase for a bag of CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels and a copy of the latest issue of Psychology Today to see if I can get any insight as to what in the hell is wrong with me. We’ve all been there right?
Now, it might just be some sort of sign that I should not let emotional moments of weakness dictate my lunch choices, but when I got back to my desk and opened the chocolate pretzels I found them to be stale. Well, really more moldy than stale – because considering my current mental state, I probably would have just eaten them anyway should it be a mere issue of freshness. But, even though I don’t have any severe mold allergies that I know of, I do know that mold can kill you, or at least make you very sick. Plus, it really does take away from the overall taste of the snack product as the maker intended. So I decided not to eat them.
I will take them back to the store after work today – because as you yourself wrote on the back of the bag (I am assuming it is a direct quote due to its italicized nature and the fact that your actual signature is underneath the words) the product “carries the CVS money back guarantee.” But I thought you should know about this incident. I know that you can’t possibly keep track of every CVS brand product and personally control every factor that could negatively impact the performance or taste of said products – but the fact that you try is commendable. I think you make a similar promise (though without the phrase, “I know you’ll enjoy the great taste”) on the back of my CVS brand body wash. I picture you in a big office in Woonsocket, Rhode Island (the best city name ever perhaps!) personally testing and tasting each and every product and diligently taking notes and reporting back your experiences to those who are busily making these things. I also picture these product makers looking like Oompa Loompas, but that’s probably inaccurate. But then again, you are in a town called Woonsocket, so who knows what is possible!
In closing, despite my bad experience and your knack for having (by my standards) the most terrible in store music of any store I frequent, I will continue to be a loyal CVS customer. Partly this is out of convenience, but it is also out of loyalty. In these tough economic times, loyalty is pretty important, right? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday weekend.
Regards,
Laura Witkowski
PS – Is it inappropriate for me to request an autograph? I would appreciate that.
November 26, 2008
Mr. Thomas Ryan, CEO
Corporate Headquarters
One CVS Drive
Woonsocket, RI 02895
Dear Mr. Ryan:
Hello. My name is Laura Witkowski and I am frequent CVS shopper. Although I cannot completely pinpoint why your store is far superior to Rite Aid or Walgreens, I always find myself regretting a trip to one of your competitors and wishing I would have just taken the extra minute or so to locate a CVS store. One time, I had a dog that was on a psychotropic medication, and the pharmacy at Rite Aid misread the dosage and refilled it with a much lower dose. I didn't realize this until the poor dog, over the next week or so, started to get gradually worse and revert back to his unstable ways. It took us several more weeks to get him back up to speed. Thanks a lot Rite Aid!
But psychotropic medication mishap memories are not the reason I am writing to you today. It is actually because of chocolate: CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels to be exact. I think it is important to say upfront that my purchase of said product was driven by a combination of having a bad day at work and noticing that CVS has the uncanny ability to play the absolute last song I would want to hear at that moment every time I am in the store. It's eerie really. So as I'm sure you can relate, I'm having a bad day, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" starts drifting out of the CVS sound system, and next thing I know I'm forgoing that planned Luna bar purchase for a bag of CVS brand Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels and a copy of the latest issue of Psychology Today to see if I can get any insight as to what in the hell is wrong with me. We’ve all been there right?
Now, it might just be some sort of sign that I should not let emotional moments of weakness dictate my lunch choices, but when I got back to my desk and opened the chocolate pretzels I found them to be stale. Well, really more moldy than stale – because considering my current mental state, I probably would have just eaten them anyway should it be a mere issue of freshness. But, even though I don’t have any severe mold allergies that I know of, I do know that mold can kill you, or at least make you very sick. Plus, it really does take away from the overall taste of the snack product as the maker intended. So I decided not to eat them.
I will take them back to the store after work today – because as you yourself wrote on the back of the bag (I am assuming it is a direct quote due to its italicized nature and the fact that your actual signature is underneath the words) the product “carries the CVS money back guarantee.” But I thought you should know about this incident. I know that you can’t possibly keep track of every CVS brand product and personally control every factor that could negatively impact the performance or taste of said products – but the fact that you try is commendable. I think you make a similar promise (though without the phrase, “I know you’ll enjoy the great taste”) on the back of my CVS brand body wash. I picture you in a big office in Woonsocket, Rhode Island (the best city name ever perhaps!) personally testing and tasting each and every product and diligently taking notes and reporting back your experiences to those who are busily making these things. I also picture these product makers looking like Oompa Loompas, but that’s probably inaccurate. But then again, you are in a town called Woonsocket, so who knows what is possible!
In closing, despite my bad experience and your knack for having (by my standards) the most terrible in store music of any store I frequent, I will continue to be a loyal CVS customer. Partly this is out of convenience, but it is also out of loyalty. In these tough economic times, loyalty is pretty important, right? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday weekend.
Regards,
Laura Witkowski
PS – Is it inappropriate for me to request an autograph? I would appreciate that.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Let me clear my throat: An open letter to coughing opera patrons
Dear coughing opera patrons:
Good evening! How are you doing? Are you feeling better than you were the other evening when you were at the opera? You’re fine? Really? Hmm… I guess I was confused about your health due to all your incessant coughing during the duration of Madame Butterfly. I would love to believe that it was a total fluke – that, because everybody who likes opera knows each other and goes to the same fancy cocktail parties, that one person got a cold and (bam!) next thing you know the whole audience for Saturday night’s performance has a little tickle in their throat. But this is not limited to Saturday’s performance of Madame Butterfly. This happens every time I have ever been to the opera - there seems to be this rash of coughers and it doesn’t matter what the season. Why is that? I demand to know!
I hate to be blunt, but is it because you are old? Now, I know it might seem that I harp on old people a lot – but it’s not really like that! You see, I have been told on several occasions that I like things that old people like: mash potatoes, The Golden Girls, Burt Bacharach, opera, voting... See? I can relate to your elderly pleasures! But is it a matter of fact that once you get old, you just cough? A lot? In public at completely inappropriate times during gut wrenchingly, emotionally anguished arias? Is that why you are always trying to give me a Werther’s? Because you eat them all the time in order to keep your cough at bay? Because I like candy, but that is not, in my opinion, a treat. So no thank you.
If it is not age, then maybe it is because you are actually allergic to opera? That may be a hard allergy to prove, but there is federal money being spent as we speak to get to the bottom of far less pressing matters – stem cells and what not. Maybe there is some test that can be done to prove that when certain notes are hit, your coughing reflex is just activated and you cannot help it! Then people like me, who are apparently immune from this threat and/or simply able to keep from coughing for three, full, consecutive hours can enjoy the performance without having to wonder about these things as sad, sad Cio-Cio San waits for a very, very, very long time for a man who will never come back for her. Then in the final death scene, when robust non-coughers like me want to get lost in the moment and wrap themselves up in the emotional tragedy that is Cio-Cio San’s suicide, they would not have “I bet she just couldn’t take the coughing anymore” pop in their head and ruin the moment. Maybe Eli Lilly will soon come out with an anti-coughing pill or elixir for just this purpose. It could be called “opera-tussin.” I think I will write them next.
In the mean time, if you truly cannot, no matter what, keep from coughing for the whole duration of an opera performance, ask yourself, “Is this really for me? Am I really enjoying this?” Because, if you are coughing that much, I can only guess that the time you are not coughing is just time during which all you can think about is trying not to cough because you do not want to draw attention to yourself via all this hacking but you do not know how to make it stop! This is an example of a “cough-shame-spiral.” I do not want you to be in this spiral any more than I want to listen to your coughing. But I also cannot in good conscience tell you to stay home as live performances clearly count on attendance to survive! Oh, what a quandary! I do not know the answers. But I do know that it is not Werther’s. Switch to something stronger – but something that doesn’t come in a crinkly wrapper! Do not make me write another letter.
Thank you,
Laura
Good evening! How are you doing? Are you feeling better than you were the other evening when you were at the opera? You’re fine? Really? Hmm… I guess I was confused about your health due to all your incessant coughing during the duration of Madame Butterfly. I would love to believe that it was a total fluke – that, because everybody who likes opera knows each other and goes to the same fancy cocktail parties, that one person got a cold and (bam!) next thing you know the whole audience for Saturday night’s performance has a little tickle in their throat. But this is not limited to Saturday’s performance of Madame Butterfly. This happens every time I have ever been to the opera - there seems to be this rash of coughers and it doesn’t matter what the season. Why is that? I demand to know!
I hate to be blunt, but is it because you are old? Now, I know it might seem that I harp on old people a lot – but it’s not really like that! You see, I have been told on several occasions that I like things that old people like: mash potatoes, The Golden Girls, Burt Bacharach, opera, voting... See? I can relate to your elderly pleasures! But is it a matter of fact that once you get old, you just cough? A lot? In public at completely inappropriate times during gut wrenchingly, emotionally anguished arias? Is that why you are always trying to give me a Werther’s? Because you eat them all the time in order to keep your cough at bay? Because I like candy, but that is not, in my opinion, a treat. So no thank you.
If it is not age, then maybe it is because you are actually allergic to opera? That may be a hard allergy to prove, but there is federal money being spent as we speak to get to the bottom of far less pressing matters – stem cells and what not. Maybe there is some test that can be done to prove that when certain notes are hit, your coughing reflex is just activated and you cannot help it! Then people like me, who are apparently immune from this threat and/or simply able to keep from coughing for three, full, consecutive hours can enjoy the performance without having to wonder about these things as sad, sad Cio-Cio San waits for a very, very, very long time for a man who will never come back for her. Then in the final death scene, when robust non-coughers like me want to get lost in the moment and wrap themselves up in the emotional tragedy that is Cio-Cio San’s suicide, they would not have “I bet she just couldn’t take the coughing anymore” pop in their head and ruin the moment. Maybe Eli Lilly will soon come out with an anti-coughing pill or elixir for just this purpose. It could be called “opera-tussin.” I think I will write them next.
In the mean time, if you truly cannot, no matter what, keep from coughing for the whole duration of an opera performance, ask yourself, “Is this really for me? Am I really enjoying this?” Because, if you are coughing that much, I can only guess that the time you are not coughing is just time during which all you can think about is trying not to cough because you do not want to draw attention to yourself via all this hacking but you do not know how to make it stop! This is an example of a “cough-shame-spiral.” I do not want you to be in this spiral any more than I want to listen to your coughing. But I also cannot in good conscience tell you to stay home as live performances clearly count on attendance to survive! Oh, what a quandary! I do not know the answers. But I do know that it is not Werther’s. Switch to something stronger – but something that doesn’t come in a crinkly wrapper! Do not make me write another letter.
Thank you,
Laura
Monday, November 17, 2008
Looking for closure and resolution with some of my organs
Dear Appendix –
Hello. I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me. It’s been what, almost two years? Wow. So much has happened in that time, but I won’t get into all of that right now. I just want you to know that I wish we could've parted on better terms. When you so abruptly decided you wanted out, I admit I was totally caught off guard. I didn't even know you were unhappy with me, let alone about to burst. One minute we’re at a fancy party eating Brie and socializing, and the next thing I know I’m politely trying to excuse myself without drawing attention to what was going on between us. I harbored a lot of anger over your inability to express yourself, and the communication breakdown that I put squarely at your feet. But I also recognize now that I was taking you for granted. I never even took the time to actually learn about your basic functions. In fact, surgeons and immunologists at Duke University Medical School just last year announced that they’re pretty sure your actual function has been found. But I guess it’s too late for that information to help us, huh? I’m sorry about that. I really am. Despite how painful (and ultimately expensive) the separation was, I want you to know that I've processed that pain and that I've reached a healing point. Sure, there are scars, but I'm in a good place now. I hope you are too appendix... I hope you are too...
Your former partner (host? I don’t really know… you were always so weird about labels),
Laura
Dear Kidneys –
Hey guys, what’s up? What’s going on back there? You’ve been awfully quiet over the past 6 months or so… I would love to believe that the reason is entirely benign. But as they used to tell us in Kidneys Anonymous, “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.” So, have you really kicked the habit, or are you about to go off the wagon again with the whole stone thing soon? Man, I would love to believe you when you say, “Seriously Laura, we’re totally done with that shit, ok? We’re like clean and spiritual and stuff and into charkas or whatever-the-fuck.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I realize that my mocking your past forays into bullshit fads instead of maybe actually dealing with your stone addiction might come off as a little flippant and frankly, that’s not a good way to communicate. Let me strike that. Because really kidneys, the bottom line is we’re going to be stuck with each other from now until the grave. Unlike some other people’s kidneys, even if I get into a horrendous automobile crash and the only thing left for my mangled body is the hope of organ harvest, ain’t nobody gonna want you two broke-ass, degenerate kidneys. Ok? So you may as well resign yourselves to this fact and shape up your act. I want to trust you again kidneys – I want to believe that you won’t ever again leave me flat on my back, writhing in agony just so you can pass a little stone. I suggest we start going to KA again. It might really help us. Just think about it ok? Think about it.
Until the end,
Laura
Dear Liver –
I will get right to the point liver: I’m worried about you. I’m worried that, despite lack of malice or intent on my part, that I’ve done irreparable damage to you. You’re so strong and stoic – it’s hard for me to get a good read on your actual state. But with this letter, I’m breaking the silence and hoping to open up a dialogue between us. Now, I know many people might think my concern is just overly anxious – after all, I hardly drink very much. But cirrhosis via alcoholism is only one of the ways I could screw up your life (and ultimately mine).
I’m more concerned about all the ibuprofen. I mean, I eat it like candy and you never complain. Let’s face it – those kidneys have not helped the situation with their penchant for pain causing. But despite my inclination to do so, I know I can’t blame it squarely on those degenerates. Simply put, when my body hurts, I take some pain medicine. I want you to know that I do take the prescribed dosage, and I even looked on the internet to make sure I wasn’t killing you. Google Answers said, “There is an increased risk of gastrointestinal problems, but long-term use of ibuprofen does not seem to have any important effects on the liver...” Though I would love to have a deeper conversation with you over what counts as an “important effect,” I did take some comfort in this news and hope you do as well. Now, that hydrocodone stuff is another story, and although I know that long term use could mess you up, rest assured that I don’t take it nearly often enough to badly damage you. I am pretty sure of this.
Well, I hope this check-in will prove useful for us. I feel good about it. I want us to just touch base more, you know? Don’t be afraid to speak up and let me know what’s on your mind. Thanks for all your hard work excreting toxins from my body all these years. It makes me feel anxious and guilty that I am unsure if you’d be useful or wanted as a donated organ. But I will keep my fingers crossed that you would be eagerly harvested from my body should it ever come to that.
Warmly,
Laura
PS – Don’t you think it’s weird, considering your job that people like to eat the livers of other animals? I just don’t really get that, do you??
Hello. I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me. It’s been what, almost two years? Wow. So much has happened in that time, but I won’t get into all of that right now. I just want you to know that I wish we could've parted on better terms. When you so abruptly decided you wanted out, I admit I was totally caught off guard. I didn't even know you were unhappy with me, let alone about to burst. One minute we’re at a fancy party eating Brie and socializing, and the next thing I know I’m politely trying to excuse myself without drawing attention to what was going on between us. I harbored a lot of anger over your inability to express yourself, and the communication breakdown that I put squarely at your feet. But I also recognize now that I was taking you for granted. I never even took the time to actually learn about your basic functions. In fact, surgeons and immunologists at Duke University Medical School just last year announced that they’re pretty sure your actual function has been found. But I guess it’s too late for that information to help us, huh? I’m sorry about that. I really am. Despite how painful (and ultimately expensive) the separation was, I want you to know that I've processed that pain and that I've reached a healing point. Sure, there are scars, but I'm in a good place now. I hope you are too appendix... I hope you are too...
Your former partner (host? I don’t really know… you were always so weird about labels),
Laura
Dear Kidneys –
Hey guys, what’s up? What’s going on back there? You’ve been awfully quiet over the past 6 months or so… I would love to believe that the reason is entirely benign. But as they used to tell us in Kidneys Anonymous, “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.” So, have you really kicked the habit, or are you about to go off the wagon again with the whole stone thing soon? Man, I would love to believe you when you say, “Seriously Laura, we’re totally done with that shit, ok? We’re like clean and spiritual and stuff and into charkas or whatever-the-fuck.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I realize that my mocking your past forays into bullshit fads instead of maybe actually dealing with your stone addiction might come off as a little flippant and frankly, that’s not a good way to communicate. Let me strike that. Because really kidneys, the bottom line is we’re going to be stuck with each other from now until the grave. Unlike some other people’s kidneys, even if I get into a horrendous automobile crash and the only thing left for my mangled body is the hope of organ harvest, ain’t nobody gonna want you two broke-ass, degenerate kidneys. Ok? So you may as well resign yourselves to this fact and shape up your act. I want to trust you again kidneys – I want to believe that you won’t ever again leave me flat on my back, writhing in agony just so you can pass a little stone. I suggest we start going to KA again. It might really help us. Just think about it ok? Think about it.
Until the end,
Laura
Dear Liver –
I will get right to the point liver: I’m worried about you. I’m worried that, despite lack of malice or intent on my part, that I’ve done irreparable damage to you. You’re so strong and stoic – it’s hard for me to get a good read on your actual state. But with this letter, I’m breaking the silence and hoping to open up a dialogue between us. Now, I know many people might think my concern is just overly anxious – after all, I hardly drink very much. But cirrhosis via alcoholism is only one of the ways I could screw up your life (and ultimately mine).
I’m more concerned about all the ibuprofen. I mean, I eat it like candy and you never complain. Let’s face it – those kidneys have not helped the situation with their penchant for pain causing. But despite my inclination to do so, I know I can’t blame it squarely on those degenerates. Simply put, when my body hurts, I take some pain medicine. I want you to know that I do take the prescribed dosage, and I even looked on the internet to make sure I wasn’t killing you. Google Answers said, “There is an increased risk of gastrointestinal problems, but long-term use of ibuprofen does not seem to have any important effects on the liver...” Though I would love to have a deeper conversation with you over what counts as an “important effect,” I did take some comfort in this news and hope you do as well. Now, that hydrocodone stuff is another story, and although I know that long term use could mess you up, rest assured that I don’t take it nearly often enough to badly damage you. I am pretty sure of this.
Well, I hope this check-in will prove useful for us. I feel good about it. I want us to just touch base more, you know? Don’t be afraid to speak up and let me know what’s on your mind. Thanks for all your hard work excreting toxins from my body all these years. It makes me feel anxious and guilty that I am unsure if you’d be useful or wanted as a donated organ. But I will keep my fingers crossed that you would be eagerly harvested from my body should it ever come to that.
Warmly,
Laura
PS – Don’t you think it’s weird, considering your job that people like to eat the livers of other animals? I just don’t really get that, do you??
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sarah Palin’s Facebook page updates
Today
Sarah says, “Vote Palin(ME!)/McCain ‘08”
Condi Rice wrote: "Go Sarah! Get Busy! It's Your Birthday!"
Sarah posted a video:
Fox News Anchor; Sarah Palin Has Foreign Policy Experience Because Her State Is Close To Russia
Sarah added new photos to “OMG I’m the VP Choice (Ohio Speech)”
Yesterday
George W. wrote: “Go get ‘em Barracuda!”
Juneau Christian Center wrote: “Godspeed Sarah – the Lord wants you to be president!”
Sarah became a fan of “Juneau Christian Center”
Sarah has been to Ireland before!
Sarah wrote on Mitt Romney’s wall: “Super suck it!”
Sarah wrote on Tim Pawlenty’s wall: “Suck it!”
Aug 29
James Dobson wrote: “I wept when I heard the news! So did Jesus Sarah – so did Jesus!”
Sarah can’t wait to break the glass ceiling with God’s hammer!
Sarah says “OMG, OMG, it’s me! It’s ME!!!
Sarah commented on John McCain’s picture, “So presidential!!”
Sarah wrote on John McCain’s wall: “Happy BIRTH-day, Mister (next) President… <3”
Sarah knows what the Vice President does – seriously!
Sarah poked Hillary Rodham Clinton
Aug 28
Sarah thinks John McCain is a Maverick
Sarah became a fan of Northern Exposure
Aug 27
Ted Stevens tagged Sarah in a photo.
Tagged in: “Alaskan Politician’s Besides Ted Stevens Who Are Mired In Controversy”
Sarah joined “Hockey Moms Against Gay Marriage”
Sarah is now friends with Ann Coulter
Aug 26
Sarah became a fan of “Let’s Drill the ANWR!”
Sarah joined “Parents who aren’t liberal hippies but have kids with weird names.”
Aug 25
Sarah is now friends with Geraldine Ferraro
Aug 24
Sarah is now friends with Rudy Giuliani
Sarah tagged herself in a photo
Tagged in: Track’s b-day bash
Comment: “LOL – Okay, I DO kinda look like Tina Fey here!”
Aug 22
Sarah joined “Pro-Lifers for the Death Penalty”
Sarah joined “Feminists For Life”
Sarah became a fan of Life Goes On
Sarah is climbing the Word Twist ladder!
Aug 20
Sarah became a fan of eBay
Sarah sent a Polar Bear to Rep. Dirk Kempthorne using “We’re Not Endangered!”
Aug 15
Sarah joined the group “VP 101”
Sarah is now friends with John McCain
Sarah became a fan of The NRA
Sarah added The Drudge Report News Updates application
Sarah is in the mood for Mooseburgers!
Aug 14
Sarah sent a “Pro-Life-O-Gram” to Todd Palin
Sarah became a fan of “Focus On The Family”
Sarah added the “BEAR(pelt) HUG” application
Sarah says, “Vote Palin(ME!)/McCain ‘08”
Condi Rice wrote: "Go Sarah! Get Busy! It's Your Birthday!"
Sarah posted a video:
Fox News Anchor; Sarah Palin Has Foreign Policy Experience Because Her State Is Close To Russia
Sarah added new photos to “OMG I’m the VP Choice (Ohio Speech)”
Yesterday
George W. wrote: “Go get ‘em Barracuda!”
Juneau Christian Center wrote: “Godspeed Sarah – the Lord wants you to be president!”
Sarah became a fan of “Juneau Christian Center”
Sarah has been to Ireland before!
Sarah wrote on Mitt Romney’s wall: “Super suck it!”
Sarah wrote on Tim Pawlenty’s wall: “Suck it!”
Aug 29
James Dobson wrote: “I wept when I heard the news! So did Jesus Sarah – so did Jesus!”
Sarah can’t wait to break the glass ceiling with God’s hammer!
Sarah says “OMG, OMG, it’s me! It’s ME!!!
Sarah commented on John McCain’s picture, “So presidential!!”
Sarah wrote on John McCain’s wall: “Happy BIRTH-day, Mister (next) President… <3”
Sarah knows what the Vice President does – seriously!
Sarah poked Hillary Rodham Clinton
Aug 28
Sarah thinks John McCain is a Maverick
Sarah became a fan of Northern Exposure
Aug 27
Ted Stevens tagged Sarah in a photo.
Tagged in: “Alaskan Politician’s Besides Ted Stevens Who Are Mired In Controversy”
Sarah joined “Hockey Moms Against Gay Marriage”
Sarah is now friends with Ann Coulter
Aug 26
Sarah became a fan of “Let’s Drill the ANWR!”
Sarah joined “Parents who aren’t liberal hippies but have kids with weird names.”
Aug 25
Sarah is now friends with Geraldine Ferraro
Aug 24
Sarah is now friends with Rudy Giuliani
Sarah tagged herself in a photo
Tagged in: Track’s b-day bash
Comment: “LOL – Okay, I DO kinda look like Tina Fey here!”
Aug 22
Sarah joined “Pro-Lifers for the Death Penalty”
Sarah joined “Feminists For Life”
Sarah became a fan of Life Goes On
Sarah is climbing the Word Twist ladder!
Aug 20
Sarah became a fan of eBay
Sarah sent a Polar Bear to Rep. Dirk Kempthorne using “We’re Not Endangered!”
Aug 15
Sarah joined the group “VP 101”
Sarah is now friends with John McCain
Sarah became a fan of The NRA
Sarah added The Drudge Report News Updates application
Sarah is in the mood for Mooseburgers!
Aug 14
Sarah sent a “Pro-Life-O-Gram” to Todd Palin
Sarah became a fan of “Focus On The Family”
Sarah added the “BEAR(pelt) HUG” application
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Get In Shape Girl!
Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 10:26 AM
Subject: Re: re: Looking for a workout buddy - w4m - 29 (Detroit)
Charles -
Thank you for responding to my craigslist ad. While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding. I really am just looking for "a workout buddy." I truly was not aware that this might be misconstrued as some sort of euphemism. As I mentioned in my ad, I am new to town and, like a lot of people, I have a hard time motivating myself to go work out. With a work out buddy, I figure we could motivate each other. I don't however, think you and I are on the same page regarding our definition of "motivate each other." Thanks and best of luck in your search.
Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 1:39 PM
Subject: Re: Just what I'm looking for
Stan -
Okay, I'll admit you had me going for a second. I really thought to myself, "Wow, this guy's actually legit and not some weirdo with no intention of exercising with me." You got my hopes up by starting your response off with, "Wow, I've been looking for a work out buddy too - I think this could be a great fit." But alas, you quickly started to slide into weirdo territory. "I WANT TO BE YOUR THIIIIIGHMASTER!!!!!" was what gave you away. My friends all warned me that I shouldn't bother to even place this ad and I really wanted to prove them wrong. I don't know that I'm going to be successful in that.
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 2:39 AM
Subject: Re: Craigslist
Mat -
I once knew a guy named "Mat." His mom was a junkie who never graduated from junior high. The story goes that when the nurse at the hospital gently tried to suggest that, perhaps she might choose for her son's legal name "Matthew," and she could call him "Matt" with the more common "two t spelling" for short, his mother whipped a switchblade from under her breast and cut the woman's cheek. If that's similar to your situation and how you also ended up one "t" shy of a legitimate name, I'm sorry. But it doesn't give you any excuse to be so pushy and rude. No I'm not sending you a "picture in my work out clothes" or "one without!!!!"
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: W@@@Z UP?!
MaXXX (is that how you really spell your name?) -
Wow, it seems like I have really barked up the wrong tree in my search for a work out buddy. Your e mail doesn't even mention exercise at all. In fact, it is comprised of so many strange symbols and short hand, that I don't really understand it. I don't really appreciate the expletives though, even with %&$@ in place if the actual words. Please don't contact me again.
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 2:50 PM
Subject: Re: IM HOT
Sexy Beestman -
Are you aware that you have responded to an ad placed in the "Strictly Platonic" section? It seems like you would have more luck in the "Casual Encounters" category. Unlike me, who is having no luck at all, and has probably gained weight over the last couple of days as I stress eat to attempt to forget just how many assholes have responded to my ad.
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 5:20 PM
Subject: Re: I got your workout right here
All Nite Long -
For the sake of my psyche, I am going to do my best to believe that you've signed your response "All Nite Long" because you're a huge Lionel Richie fan, and not a huge slime ball. But I guess I do owe you a thanks. After all, your disgusting "workin' it" suggestions did include the phrase "doggie style" which led me to an epiphany. Fuck all you pigs - I'm getting a dog.
Subject: Re: re: Looking for a workout buddy - w4m - 29 (Detroit)
Charles -
Thank you for responding to my craigslist ad. While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding. I really am just looking for "a workout buddy." I truly was not aware that this might be misconstrued as some sort of euphemism. As I mentioned in my ad, I am new to town and, like a lot of people, I have a hard time motivating myself to go work out. With a work out buddy, I figure we could motivate each other. I don't however, think you and I are on the same page regarding our definition of "motivate each other." Thanks and best of luck in your search.
Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 1:39 PM
Subject: Re: Just what I'm looking for
Stan -
Okay, I'll admit you had me going for a second. I really thought to myself, "Wow, this guy's actually legit and not some weirdo with no intention of exercising with me." You got my hopes up by starting your response off with, "Wow, I've been looking for a work out buddy too - I think this could be a great fit." But alas, you quickly started to slide into weirdo territory. "I WANT TO BE YOUR THIIIIIGHMASTER!!!!!" was what gave you away. My friends all warned me that I shouldn't bother to even place this ad and I really wanted to prove them wrong. I don't know that I'm going to be successful in that.
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 2:39 AM
Subject: Re: Craigslist
Mat -
I once knew a guy named "Mat." His mom was a junkie who never graduated from junior high. The story goes that when the nurse at the hospital gently tried to suggest that, perhaps she might choose for her son's legal name "Matthew," and she could call him "Matt" with the more common "two t spelling" for short, his mother whipped a switchblade from under her breast and cut the woman's cheek. If that's similar to your situation and how you also ended up one "t" shy of a legitimate name, I'm sorry. But it doesn't give you any excuse to be so pushy and rude. No I'm not sending you a "picture in my work out clothes" or "one without!!!!"
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: W@@@Z UP?!
MaXXX (is that how you really spell your name?) -
Wow, it seems like I have really barked up the wrong tree in my search for a work out buddy. Your e mail doesn't even mention exercise at all. In fact, it is comprised of so many strange symbols and short hand, that I don't really understand it. I don't really appreciate the expletives though, even with %&$@ in place if the actual words. Please don't contact me again.
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 2:50 PM
Subject: Re: IM HOT
Sexy Beestman -
Are you aware that you have responded to an ad placed in the "Strictly Platonic" section? It seems like you would have more luck in the "Casual Encounters" category. Unlike me, who is having no luck at all, and has probably gained weight over the last couple of days as I stress eat to attempt to forget just how many assholes have responded to my ad.
Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 5:20 PM
Subject: Re: I got your workout right here
All Nite Long -
For the sake of my psyche, I am going to do my best to believe that you've signed your response "All Nite Long" because you're a huge Lionel Richie fan, and not a huge slime ball. But I guess I do owe you a thanks. After all, your disgusting "workin' it" suggestions did include the phrase "doggie style" which led me to an epiphany. Fuck all you pigs - I'm getting a dog.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Wearing Many Hats
July 30, 2008
Dear Ms. Roberts -
Thank you again for taking the time to interview me for the new sales accounts manager position at Lawson Laboratories. I feel like I would be a great fit for the company. The job, as you presented it, seems to be a very good match for my skill set. While I feel you thoroughly covered the position and all it entails during our interview time, I did have a few follow up questions. You indicated that I should feel free to contact you should that be the case, so in addition to conveying my gratitude, that is the reason for this letter. Just a couple of points for which I seek clarification:
You mentioned several times throughout our interview that the last person who held this position "wore many hats." I am unclear as to whether this was just a personal style choice, or part of the job. In the case that hat wearing is part of the job, do I inherit the hats she wore, or do I have to supply my own? Is there a uniform or costume stipend to cover the costs if the latter is the case? It's not that I mind spending my own money, but hats are more expensive than you'd think! I just bought my nephew a Washington Redskins hat (I know some people find the use of the term "redskins" to be questionable and potentially offensive to Native Americans - but it's just a sports team! I mean, get over it, right?) and that set me back $35! For a ball cap!
Also, is there a list of appropriate head wear and the proper time to wear given pieces, or is there room for creativity in that area? I ask because I have a few hats already, including a beret and a sun bonnet, and would be happy to bring them in. I even have a Viking helmet if that fits into your corporate vision. I bought it as a last minute Halloween costume a few years ago and having the opportunity to wear it in the office would certainly leave me feeling like I got my money's worth (have you been to a Halloween USA recently? Jeez! Pricey!).
Oh, also, am I the only person who will be wearing many hats? Does anybody else in the office wear hats or even a particular hat? Are we ever required to switch hats amongst employees, and if so, has lice ever been a problem? I hate to sound overly cautious, but I had lice once a few years ago when I let my little one go play at a dirty, poor schoolmate's house (I know they say that "anybody can get lice" but it does seem to be more common amongst the lower rungs of the economic ladder, am I right?) and she passed it on to me! Yuck! Those little critters have become quite robust and resistant to the products on the market, let me assure you. We found an effective (albeit costly!) treatment at our local health food store. I can recommend the brand name if you or anybody else in the office needs it.
Thank you again for your consideration and your willingness to address these concerns and questions. I am anxiously awaiting your reply and hope I'll soon be a part of the Lawson team!
Regards,
Tabitha Johnson
Dear Ms. Roberts -
Thank you again for taking the time to interview me for the new sales accounts manager position at Lawson Laboratories. I feel like I would be a great fit for the company. The job, as you presented it, seems to be a very good match for my skill set. While I feel you thoroughly covered the position and all it entails during our interview time, I did have a few follow up questions. You indicated that I should feel free to contact you should that be the case, so in addition to conveying my gratitude, that is the reason for this letter. Just a couple of points for which I seek clarification:
You mentioned several times throughout our interview that the last person who held this position "wore many hats." I am unclear as to whether this was just a personal style choice, or part of the job. In the case that hat wearing is part of the job, do I inherit the hats she wore, or do I have to supply my own? Is there a uniform or costume stipend to cover the costs if the latter is the case? It's not that I mind spending my own money, but hats are more expensive than you'd think! I just bought my nephew a Washington Redskins hat (I know some people find the use of the term "redskins" to be questionable and potentially offensive to Native Americans - but it's just a sports team! I mean, get over it, right?) and that set me back $35! For a ball cap!
Also, is there a list of appropriate head wear and the proper time to wear given pieces, or is there room for creativity in that area? I ask because I have a few hats already, including a beret and a sun bonnet, and would be happy to bring them in. I even have a Viking helmet if that fits into your corporate vision. I bought it as a last minute Halloween costume a few years ago and having the opportunity to wear it in the office would certainly leave me feeling like I got my money's worth (have you been to a Halloween USA recently? Jeez! Pricey!).
Oh, also, am I the only person who will be wearing many hats? Does anybody else in the office wear hats or even a particular hat? Are we ever required to switch hats amongst employees, and if so, has lice ever been a problem? I hate to sound overly cautious, but I had lice once a few years ago when I let my little one go play at a dirty, poor schoolmate's house (I know they say that "anybody can get lice" but it does seem to be more common amongst the lower rungs of the economic ladder, am I right?) and she passed it on to me! Yuck! Those little critters have become quite robust and resistant to the products on the market, let me assure you. We found an effective (albeit costly!) treatment at our local health food store. I can recommend the brand name if you or anybody else in the office needs it.
Thank you again for your consideration and your willingness to address these concerns and questions. I am anxiously awaiting your reply and hope I'll soon be a part of the Lawson team!
Regards,
Tabitha Johnson
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Like shooting fish in a barrel. Fat, gay-hating, Christian fish.
Alert! Alert! McDonald's is leading the way to gay people gay-marrying each other! You may have thought that the McDonald's Corporation's biggest concern was selling their product and expanding their franchise until even Uruguay has their own (What? They have three?) ... okay... until they have locations as far away as Qatar (Wait, what? Qatar has thirteen?! Damn it.) ... until they have many, many locations over many, many lands, but global domination is NOT their top priority!
Instead McDonald's has decided to "give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage." Oh, yes... and we all know there's only one way to stop a corporation once they give their "full weight" to the homos: by boycotting them with a website that exposes them to the world! Thankfully, we have The American Family Association looking out for us. Why, in order to right the wrongs of McDonald's all you have to do is visit www.BoycottMcDonalds.com.
Visitors are encouraged to leave feedback for McDonald's on the site. Huge props to Wonkette for providing me with the hilarity that is most all of the comments. As I was reading through them, I thought to myself, "How fun would it be if I was a McDonald's customer service representative charged with responding to said feedback, and today was my last day of work? How would I choose to respond?" Let's play pretend:
"because McDonald's had taken a stand to support the activist gay agenda that is destroying the core of family values in the U.S. we will take a stand to support McDonald's competitors such as In-n-Out and Chick fil-A."
Go ahead. I mean, what could possibly be gayer than a restaurant called, "In-n-Out?"
"America is tired of corporations and organizations twisting the free speech and actions of its citizens into 'hatred' when we simply oppose the corporation's, or organization's, involvement in areas where we don't want our money going. Opposing your involvement says nothing about the individual's point of view on homosexuality and yet you claim to know, anyway. How arrogant and childish. We are tired of the brainwashing politically correct movement. I hoped McD's was smarter than that, but obviously it's not. Don't expect anymore of my money."
You know, if you're going to take that sort of tone, you don't get to call us "McD's" anymore. That's strictly for our homies. We are no longer homies.
"We love your fries, but we will not compromise truth. You have taken money that our family, and millions of others, have contributed to the success of the McDonald's Corp. and chosen to use it for an agenda that defies the foundation of our nation, the family, as created by a man and woman. Perhaps you should spend more time sitting at the tables in the play yards of the thousands of McD's restaurants around the country. We will only be missing the fries, but your corporation has lost something much greater, respect and truth."
So you love our fries and trolling for children in our play yards. You will not be missed.
"I will take me 10 great grand children to Wendys BurgerKing or some other place. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN!"
Aye, Aye, Captain Grandpa, you and the little pirates have fun at Wendys BurgerKing.
"It was bad enough having to keep my Spanish to English dictionary handy every time I pulled up to your drive-thru window (to the tune of about $1,000 per year). But this is the final straw (and I guess the final Big Mac) for me. Your blatant disregard for the strongly held moral values most Americans hold dear has cost you my business. Yes, Wendy's, I will have a Frosty with that."
To the tune of $1,000 a year, huh? I have a new tune for you. It is called, "You Are A Racist, Homo-Hating Fat Ass." Sing it to the tune of "I Need Another Frosty Like I Need Gastric Bypass. Oh Wait, I Do Need Gastric Bypass."
"Very disappointed in the McDonald's corporation and what they promote. They will never see a red cent from us again!"
We don't want your money anyway, Commie.
"My family has supported your business for well over 25 years. We have been loyal customers eating at your establishments 4 times/week. It pains me to say, but, I now will take my business and hard-earned money elsewhere. As much as we have enjoyed the food over the years, we will not continue to do so because of your close-minded leadership. We are amazed that your leadership is taking this stand. Such ashame. You will be losing nothing just to be neutral on same sex marriages. Now you WILL lose.... customers. The loss of revenue is completely YOUR choice."
It "pains you to say" it because you probably have gout from eating at our establishment 4 times a week. Talk to your doctor.
"We eat at McDonald's twice every week, for now, we have to wait untill you guys change your mind. This will hurt you Internationally."
I don't know that it will hurt us Internationally. Particularly in France. As you may already know, everybody in France is gay.
"Issues of sexual orientation have NO PLACE in an organization that specifically targets children in its advertising. To treat homosexuality as an issue that has been 'settled' as a cultural norm is to spit-on the cherished religious beliefs of millions of people throughout the world. This is not about HATE, McDonalds, but about good people opposed to a lifestyle we believe is immoral. You are free to use your money and power as you please, but until you resind all public support of this agenda, I will exercise my freedom to not support you."
We are not spitting on the cherished religious beliefs of millions. Although I've heard of enough instances of disgruntled teenage McDonald's employees spitting on the burgers of rude customers, that it's probably not a rumor.
"I have been a McDonald's customer sine your 'burgers cost fifteen cents! Since you have decided to advocate and support the destruction of traditional mariage, and, by extension, the family, I will no longer patronize your stores. Burger King suits me fine now."
We respect your opinion and appreciate you taking the time to contact us, Senator McCain.
"As soon as I heard about this, I immediately sent out an email to over 400 of my friends and family, as well as posted it on a networking website encouraging others to boycott as well. We just went on a trip, in which we usually stop at McDonald's 3 to 4 times for our 4 children. This time we opted for other choices and explained to our children why we can't eat at McDonalds anymore...they were very sad. We traveled with a group of 10 people and after discussing what was going on, we all opted to not eat at McD's the entire trip."
I too would be very sad if my parents explained to me that they were religious nuts. By the way, 400 friends on MySpace is not that many, and most of those gorgeous ladies who've sent you friend requests aren't real.
"My boycott of McDonald's just cost your company at least $300 dollars a month...and that's just what my family spent there. That does not include all of our friends and family that I've told who were equally outraged at your support of the NGLCC. Did I mention the roughly $300 a month over the last 5 years or so? Add that up if you will."
Let's see... $300 a month times 5 years = Your family must be really fat.
"We have purchased our last happy meal for my family of 6"
I am sorry to hear that times are so hard that you've had to split one happy meal among your family of 6. I do believe this has more to do with the economic policies of the Bush administration and less to do with our full support of the gay agenda. Regardless, I hope things start looking up soon for you folks.
Instead McDonald's has decided to "give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage." Oh, yes... and we all know there's only one way to stop a corporation once they give their "full weight" to the homos: by boycotting them with a website that exposes them to the world! Thankfully, we have The American Family Association looking out for us. Why, in order to right the wrongs of McDonald's all you have to do is visit www.BoycottMcDonalds.com.
Visitors are encouraged to leave feedback for McDonald's on the site. Huge props to Wonkette for providing me with the hilarity that is most all of the comments. As I was reading through them, I thought to myself, "How fun would it be if I was a McDonald's customer service representative charged with responding to said feedback, and today was my last day of work? How would I choose to respond?" Let's play pretend:
"because McDonald's had taken a stand to support the activist gay agenda that is destroying the core of family values in the U.S. we will take a stand to support McDonald's competitors such as In-n-Out and Chick fil-A."
Go ahead. I mean, what could possibly be gayer than a restaurant called, "In-n-Out?"
"America is tired of corporations and organizations twisting the free speech and actions of its citizens into 'hatred' when we simply oppose the corporation's, or organization's, involvement in areas where we don't want our money going. Opposing your involvement says nothing about the individual's point of view on homosexuality and yet you claim to know, anyway. How arrogant and childish. We are tired of the brainwashing politically correct movement. I hoped McD's was smarter than that, but obviously it's not. Don't expect anymore of my money."
You know, if you're going to take that sort of tone, you don't get to call us "McD's" anymore. That's strictly for our homies. We are no longer homies.
"We love your fries, but we will not compromise truth. You have taken money that our family, and millions of others, have contributed to the success of the McDonald's Corp. and chosen to use it for an agenda that defies the foundation of our nation, the family, as created by a man and woman. Perhaps you should spend more time sitting at the tables in the play yards of the thousands of McD's restaurants around the country. We will only be missing the fries, but your corporation has lost something much greater, respect and truth."
So you love our fries and trolling for children in our play yards. You will not be missed.
"I will take me 10 great grand children to Wendys BurgerKing or some other place. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN!"
Aye, Aye, Captain Grandpa, you and the little pirates have fun at Wendys BurgerKing.
"It was bad enough having to keep my Spanish to English dictionary handy every time I pulled up to your drive-thru window (to the tune of about $1,000 per year). But this is the final straw (and I guess the final Big Mac) for me. Your blatant disregard for the strongly held moral values most Americans hold dear has cost you my business. Yes, Wendy's, I will have a Frosty with that."
To the tune of $1,000 a year, huh? I have a new tune for you. It is called, "You Are A Racist, Homo-Hating Fat Ass." Sing it to the tune of "I Need Another Frosty Like I Need Gastric Bypass. Oh Wait, I Do Need Gastric Bypass."
"Very disappointed in the McDonald's corporation and what they promote. They will never see a red cent from us again!"
We don't want your money anyway, Commie.
"My family has supported your business for well over 25 years. We have been loyal customers eating at your establishments 4 times/week. It pains me to say, but, I now will take my business and hard-earned money elsewhere. As much as we have enjoyed the food over the years, we will not continue to do so because of your close-minded leadership. We are amazed that your leadership is taking this stand. Such ashame. You will be losing nothing just to be neutral on same sex marriages. Now you WILL lose.... customers. The loss of revenue is completely YOUR choice."
It "pains you to say" it because you probably have gout from eating at our establishment 4 times a week. Talk to your doctor.
"We eat at McDonald's twice every week, for now, we have to wait untill you guys change your mind. This will hurt you Internationally."
I don't know that it will hurt us Internationally. Particularly in France. As you may already know, everybody in France is gay.
"Issues of sexual orientation have NO PLACE in an organization that specifically targets children in its advertising. To treat homosexuality as an issue that has been 'settled' as a cultural norm is to spit-on the cherished religious beliefs of millions of people throughout the world. This is not about HATE, McDonalds, but about good people opposed to a lifestyle we believe is immoral. You are free to use your money and power as you please, but until you resind all public support of this agenda, I will exercise my freedom to not support you."
We are not spitting on the cherished religious beliefs of millions. Although I've heard of enough instances of disgruntled teenage McDonald's employees spitting on the burgers of rude customers, that it's probably not a rumor.
"I have been a McDonald's customer sine your 'burgers cost fifteen cents! Since you have decided to advocate and support the destruction of traditional mariage, and, by extension, the family, I will no longer patronize your stores. Burger King suits me fine now."
We respect your opinion and appreciate you taking the time to contact us, Senator McCain.
"As soon as I heard about this, I immediately sent out an email to over 400 of my friends and family, as well as posted it on a networking website encouraging others to boycott as well. We just went on a trip, in which we usually stop at McDonald's 3 to 4 times for our 4 children. This time we opted for other choices and explained to our children why we can't eat at McDonalds anymore...they were very sad. We traveled with a group of 10 people and after discussing what was going on, we all opted to not eat at McD's the entire trip."
I too would be very sad if my parents explained to me that they were religious nuts. By the way, 400 friends on MySpace is not that many, and most of those gorgeous ladies who've sent you friend requests aren't real.
"My boycott of McDonald's just cost your company at least $300 dollars a month...and that's just what my family spent there. That does not include all of our friends and family that I've told who were equally outraged at your support of the NGLCC. Did I mention the roughly $300 a month over the last 5 years or so? Add that up if you will."
Let's see... $300 a month times 5 years = Your family must be really fat.
"We have purchased our last happy meal for my family of 6"
I am sorry to hear that times are so hard that you've had to split one happy meal among your family of 6. I do believe this has more to do with the economic policies of the Bush administration and less to do with our full support of the gay agenda. Regardless, I hope things start looking up soon for you folks.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Veterinary terms that seem like they would make great metal band names, but aren't nearly as badass once the actual definition is considered
Alopecic Syndrome - Deficiency of the hair, caused by a failure to grow or regrow after loss
Anisocoria - A condition in which the pupils of the eyes are not of equal size
Antipruritic - Relieves itching
Axilla - Armpit
Borborygmus - The sound of gas moving through the intestine; bowel sounds
Coprophagia - Eating dung or fecal matter; normal behavior in some animals, such as rabbits
Cryptorchid - An animal with one or two undescended testicles
Demodectic Mange - Skin disease characterized by hair loss particularly on the head, face, neck, shoulders and the front of the forelegs
Diestrus - The stage of the estrus cycle which occurs after the animal goes out of heat
Dysuria - Difficult or painful urination
Ectropion – Eyelid turns outward. Allows for the accumulation of foreign matter causing eye irritation
Elizabethan Collar - A large, plastic, cone-shaped collar used on cats, dogs, and birds to prevent them from licking or biting at skin, wound dressings, or casts
Entropion – Eyelids turn inward causing hair to irritate the surface of the eye
Fading Puppy Syndrome – An apparently normal puppy gradually weakens and dies within a week or two of birth
Gastric Torsion - Stomach distention or enlargement, caused by expanding gas
Histiocytoma – A small wart-like skin growth that will eventually disappear
Icterus - A yellowing of the tissues. Commonly referred to as jaundice
Luxating Tarsus – Dislocation of the 'ankle'
Megaesophagus – Overly enlarged esophagus causing buildup of food and saliva and regurgitation
Perianal Fistula - A deep infection around the anus which often results in ulcers and deep draining tracts, most commonly seen in German Shepherds
Pyometra – Pus accumulation in the uterus, normally caused by bacterial infection
Snow Nose – Loss of pigmentation on the nose, usually in winter
Anisocoria - A condition in which the pupils of the eyes are not of equal size
Antipruritic - Relieves itching
Axilla - Armpit
Borborygmus - The sound of gas moving through the intestine; bowel sounds
Coprophagia - Eating dung or fecal matter; normal behavior in some animals, such as rabbits
Cryptorchid - An animal with one or two undescended testicles
Demodectic Mange - Skin disease characterized by hair loss particularly on the head, face, neck, shoulders and the front of the forelegs
Diestrus - The stage of the estrus cycle which occurs after the animal goes out of heat
Dysuria - Difficult or painful urination
Ectropion – Eyelid turns outward. Allows for the accumulation of foreign matter causing eye irritation
Elizabethan Collar - A large, plastic, cone-shaped collar used on cats, dogs, and birds to prevent them from licking or biting at skin, wound dressings, or casts
Entropion – Eyelids turn inward causing hair to irritate the surface of the eye
Fading Puppy Syndrome – An apparently normal puppy gradually weakens and dies within a week or two of birth
Gastric Torsion - Stomach distention or enlargement, caused by expanding gas
Histiocytoma – A small wart-like skin growth that will eventually disappear
Icterus - A yellowing of the tissues. Commonly referred to as jaundice
Luxating Tarsus – Dislocation of the 'ankle'
Megaesophagus – Overly enlarged esophagus causing buildup of food and saliva and regurgitation
Perianal Fistula - A deep infection around the anus which often results in ulcers and deep draining tracts, most commonly seen in German Shepherds
Pyometra – Pus accumulation in the uterus, normally caused by bacterial infection
Snow Nose – Loss of pigmentation on the nose, usually in winter
Monday, July 14, 2008
Please Remember To Recycle
To: All Staff
9:30am
Subject: Our Recycling Policy - A Reminder
Good morning and thank you for the nice, warm welcome during yesterday's staff meeting. My first week here has been great. Just one issue to address...
While passing by the copy machine today, I noticed several misc. fax cover sheets in the trash can. While there is no need to keep and file the fax cover sheets, let me remind you that there is a paper recycling box located directly behind the trash can. You may remember that in your copy of the company standard operating procedures handbook under "Waste Disposal Procedures" there was an amendment made on 4/8/08 that laid out our recycling program and stressed our commitment to "going green." Please remember to recycle or I will beat you within inches of your life.
Sincerely,
Janet
Janet Toll
Office Administrator
---
To: All Staff
9:59am
Subject: Re: Our Recycling Policy - A Reminder
I have received a few replies to my initial e mail regarding recycling that lead me to believe a clarification is in order. A few of you have sent me responses such as:
"Janet - your so funny! I always recycle, BTW..."
"ROFLMAO!"
"Janet! Good morning and glad to have you on board! I promise to recycle next time, geez! Hope you'll refrain from that promised 'beat down.' ;)"
So to clarify: Here is the text from my original e mail with the amended text in italics:
While passing by the copy machine today, I noticed several misc. fax cover sheets in the trash can. While there is no need to keep and file the fax cover sheets, let me remind you that there is a paper recycling box located directly behind the trash can. You may remember that in your copy of the company standard operating procedures handbook under "Waste Disposal Procedures" there was an amendment made on 4/8/08 that laid out our recycling program and stressed our commitment to "going green." Please remember to recycle or I will literally beat you within inches of your life.
Thanks,
Janet
Janet Toll
Office Administrator
PS - Kim, it's "YOU'RE" which is a contraction for "YOU ARE." And you don't "always recycle" - I saw you toss a post-it note on my first day. Please don't use absolutes and pay attention to YOUR contractions. I hate to call you out via an all staff e mail, but maybe that's the only way to break what I've already noticed is a frequent mistake.
---
To: All Staff
11:45am
Subject: Re: I'd Like To See You TRY, Janet!
Sorry to bother you all again, but apparently some of you are not digesting my message and intent. First of all, Jake is the one who originally authored the "I'd Like To See You Try, Janet!" e mail, but it made sense to respond to him "open letter" style, lest others feel similarly. Though as Jake pointed out to me, "You're all of 5'3" and might way, what? 95 pounds?" I want to stress that this is no reason to doubt my physical prowess, or my commitment to enforcing our recycling policy. I might be small, but I have the element of surprise on my side and, along with my office management skills, I possess the grace of a ninja and the mind of a mercenary. Though during my hiring, HR stressed that I should not reveal this information to you, at my last job I did indeed break a man's collar bone for leaving Taco Bell related lunch-trash in his office waste basket over a holiday weekend. I had sent out a reminder the previous Wednesday alerting staff that the custodial company would not be coming in due to the holiday and that it was imperative that they not leave for the extended weekend without taking care of the waste basket in their individual work space. I realize now that I should have been more specific than, "If you fail to empty your trash, appropriate action will be taken." This is why I tried a more direct approach with this office regarding the recycling warning. So as it stands, please refer to the amended text of my original e mail and amend your behavior accordingly.
Thanks,
Janet
Janet Toll
Office Administrator
---
To: All Staff
Re: Call me immediately
Good morning... again. I thought we could move on with our day, but apparently that is not the wish of the "higher ups" in this company. So, in accordance with the wishes of our CEO and HR manager, I am sending out this required apology/statement:
I, Janet Toll, have not been given any authority by our CEO to address office standard operating procedure concerns using physical force, humiliation or intimidation. In addition, HR does not support my decision to use such methods to gain SOP compliance. I apologize to my co-workers, and will agree to meet with anybody in an HR mediated session who feels they were ever in a position of harm. I feel I now have a better understanding of the culture of this organization, and I will take the steps needed to appropriately fit into said culture. As it stands, I will not be resigning from the company, and hope to get a "fresh start" Monday morning.
Again, I apologize, have a great weekend.
Janet R. Toll
PS - My son is selling chocolate bars for band camp. Please stop by my desk and buy a couple. They're only $1 each and it's really great chocolate. Yum!
9:30am
Subject: Our Recycling Policy - A Reminder
Good morning and thank you for the nice, warm welcome during yesterday's staff meeting. My first week here has been great. Just one issue to address...
While passing by the copy machine today, I noticed several misc. fax cover sheets in the trash can. While there is no need to keep and file the fax cover sheets, let me remind you that there is a paper recycling box located directly behind the trash can. You may remember that in your copy of the company standard operating procedures handbook under "Waste Disposal Procedures" there was an amendment made on 4/8/08 that laid out our recycling program and stressed our commitment to "going green." Please remember to recycle or I will beat you within inches of your life.
Sincerely,
Janet
Janet Toll
Office Administrator
---
To: All Staff
9:59am
Subject: Re: Our Recycling Policy - A Reminder
I have received a few replies to my initial e mail regarding recycling that lead me to believe a clarification is in order. A few of you have sent me responses such as:
"Janet - your so funny! I always recycle, BTW..."
"ROFLMAO!"
"Janet! Good morning and glad to have you on board! I promise to recycle next time, geez! Hope you'll refrain from that promised 'beat down.' ;)"
So to clarify: Here is the text from my original e mail with the amended text in italics:
While passing by the copy machine today, I noticed several misc. fax cover sheets in the trash can. While there is no need to keep and file the fax cover sheets, let me remind you that there is a paper recycling box located directly behind the trash can. You may remember that in your copy of the company standard operating procedures handbook under "Waste Disposal Procedures" there was an amendment made on 4/8/08 that laid out our recycling program and stressed our commitment to "going green." Please remember to recycle or I will literally beat you within inches of your life.
Thanks,
Janet
Janet Toll
Office Administrator
PS - Kim, it's "YOU'RE" which is a contraction for "YOU ARE." And you don't "always recycle" - I saw you toss a post-it note on my first day. Please don't use absolutes and pay attention to YOUR contractions. I hate to call you out via an all staff e mail, but maybe that's the only way to break what I've already noticed is a frequent mistake.
---
To: All Staff
11:45am
Subject: Re: I'd Like To See You TRY, Janet!
Sorry to bother you all again, but apparently some of you are not digesting my message and intent. First of all, Jake is the one who originally authored the "I'd Like To See You Try, Janet!" e mail, but it made sense to respond to him "open letter" style, lest others feel similarly. Though as Jake pointed out to me, "You're all of 5'3" and might way, what? 95 pounds?" I want to stress that this is no reason to doubt my physical prowess, or my commitment to enforcing our recycling policy. I might be small, but I have the element of surprise on my side and, along with my office management skills, I possess the grace of a ninja and the mind of a mercenary. Though during my hiring, HR stressed that I should not reveal this information to you, at my last job I did indeed break a man's collar bone for leaving Taco Bell related lunch-trash in his office waste basket over a holiday weekend. I had sent out a reminder the previous Wednesday alerting staff that the custodial company would not be coming in due to the holiday and that it was imperative that they not leave for the extended weekend without taking care of the waste basket in their individual work space. I realize now that I should have been more specific than, "If you fail to empty your trash, appropriate action will be taken." This is why I tried a more direct approach with this office regarding the recycling warning. So as it stands, please refer to the amended text of my original e mail and amend your behavior accordingly.
Thanks,
Janet
Janet Toll
Office Administrator
---
To: All Staff
Re: Call me immediately
Good morning... again. I thought we could move on with our day, but apparently that is not the wish of the "higher ups" in this company. So, in accordance with the wishes of our CEO and HR manager, I am sending out this required apology/statement:
I, Janet Toll, have not been given any authority by our CEO to address office standard operating procedure concerns using physical force, humiliation or intimidation. In addition, HR does not support my decision to use such methods to gain SOP compliance. I apologize to my co-workers, and will agree to meet with anybody in an HR mediated session who feels they were ever in a position of harm. I feel I now have a better understanding of the culture of this organization, and I will take the steps needed to appropriately fit into said culture. As it stands, I will not be resigning from the company, and hope to get a "fresh start" Monday morning.
Again, I apologize, have a great weekend.
Janet R. Toll
PS - My son is selling chocolate bars for band camp. Please stop by my desk and buy a couple. They're only $1 each and it's really great chocolate. Yum!
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