Please Remember To Recycle

To: All Staff
9:30am
Subject: Our Recycling Policy - A Reminder

Good morning and thank you for the nice, warm welcome during yesterday's staff meeting. My first week here has been great. Just one issue to address...

While passing by the copy machine today, I noticed several misc. fax cover sheets in the trash can. While there is no need to keep and file the fax cover sheets, let me remind you that there is a paper recycling box located directly behind the trash can. You may remember that in your copy of the company standard operating procedures handbook under "Waste Disposal Procedures" there was an amendment made on 4/8/08 that laid out our recycling program and stressed our commitment to "going green." Please remember to recycle or I will beat you within inches of your life.

Sincerely,

Janet

Janet Toll
Office Administrator

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To: All Staff
9:59am
Subject: Re: Our Recycling Policy - A Reminder

I have received a few replies to my initial e mail regarding recycling that lead me to believe a clarification is in order. A few of you have sent me responses such as:

"Janet - your so funny! I always recycle, BTW..."
"ROFLMAO!"
"Janet! Good morning and glad to have you on board! I promise to recycle next time, geez! Hope you'll refrain from that promised 'beat down.' ;)"

So to clarify: Here is the text from my original e mail with the amended text in italics:

While passing by the copy machine today, I noticed several misc. fax cover sheets in the trash can. While there is no need to keep and file the fax cover sheets, let me remind you that there is a paper recycling box located directly behind the trash can. You may remember that in your copy of the company standard operating procedures handbook under "Waste Disposal Procedures" there was an amendment made on 4/8/08 that laid out our recycling program and stressed our commitment to "going green." Please remember to recycle or I will literally beat you within inches of your life.

Thanks,

Janet

Janet Toll
Office Administrator

PS - Kim, it's "YOU'RE" which is a contraction for "YOU ARE." And you don't "always recycle" - I saw you toss a post-it note on my first day. Please don't use absolutes and pay attention to YOUR contractions. I hate to call you out via an all staff e mail, but maybe that's the only way to break what I've already noticed is a frequent mistake.

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To: All Staff
11:45am
Subject: Re: I'd Like To See You TRY, Janet!

Sorry to bother you all again, but apparently some of you are not digesting my message and intent. First of all, Jake is the one who originally authored the "I'd Like To See You Try, Janet!" e mail, but it made sense to respond to him "open letter" style, lest others feel similarly. Though as Jake pointed out to me, "You're all of 5'3" and might way, what? 95 pounds?" I want to stress that this is no reason to doubt my physical prowess, or my commitment to enforcing our recycling policy. I might be small, but I have the element of surprise on my side and, along with my office management skills, I possess the grace of a ninja and the mind of a mercenary. Though during my hiring, HR stressed that I should not reveal this information to you, at my last job I did indeed break a man's collar bone for leaving Taco Bell related lunch-trash in his office waste basket over a holiday weekend. I had sent out a reminder the previous Wednesday alerting staff that the custodial company would not be coming in due to the holiday and that it was imperative that they not leave for the extended weekend without taking care of the waste basket in their individual work space. I realize now that I should have been more specific than, "If you fail to empty your trash, appropriate action will be taken." This is why I tried a more direct approach with this office regarding the recycling warning. So as it stands, please refer to the amended text of my original e mail and amend your behavior accordingly.


Thanks,

Janet

Janet Toll
Office Administrator

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To: All Staff
Re: Call me immediately

Good morning... again. I thought we could move on with our day, but apparently that is not the wish of the "higher ups" in this company. So, in accordance with the wishes of our CEO and HR manager, I am sending out this required apology/statement:

I, Janet Toll, have not been given any authority by our CEO to address office standard operating procedure concerns using physical force, humiliation or intimidation. In addition, HR does not support my decision to use such methods to gain SOP compliance. I apologize to my co-workers, and will agree to meet with anybody in an HR mediated session who feels they were ever in a position of harm. I feel I now have a better understanding of the culture of this organization, and I will take the steps needed to appropriately fit into said culture. As it stands, I will not be resigning from the company, and hope to get a "fresh start" Monday morning.

Again, I apologize, have a great weekend.
Janet R. Toll

PS - My son is selling chocolate bars for band camp. Please stop by my desk and buy a couple. They're only $1 each and it's really great chocolate. Yum!