Operation: This House Ain’t Gonna Clean Itself

Dear Mr. Daniels:

I just received your Group Volunteer Project Request Form and wanted to thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your “Operation: This House Ain’t Gonna Clean Itself” event. I can tell by your very thoughtful and lengthy answers that you were really looking forward to our organization’s participation and help with this project. As a result, it’s with much regret that I must deny your request. First of all, we only coordinate with 501c3 non-profit organizations. Under the “Non-Profit Status” section you put: "I don’t have any money or a job – so that should count as a non-profit, right? As for 501c3, I do not have any current penal code violations to the best of my knowledge. That thing with my neighbor shouldn’t count because that bitch told me she wouldn’t press charges.” Secondly, in the “Please describe your project and include number of people and hours” section, you’ve basically come up with a very detailed “spring cleaning” list for what I presume is your personal residence. You have also listed as the reason for said project something about “wanting the place to look nice for when I can afford a straight up prostitute for an entire evening.” Although we at VIM like flexibility in a project, we’re afraid your request of, “a few people, whenever. I am almost always home unless I’m at the liquor store” is a bit too vague. Additionally, though our volunteers sometimes bring some materials with them for various projects, your inability to provide even the most basic of cleaning supplies is unacceptable. I realize in your explanation you said, “I called Molly Maids and those bitches bring their own stuff, so your guys should too” but I think you’re missing the distinction that Molly Maids is a for hire service whereas Volunteers In Motion provides volunteers for worthy endeavors for free. The bottom line is, we are exceptionally uncomfortable with the idea that our volunteers would be working to clean your home with their own personal supplies in order for you to have a more hygienic place in which to participate in illicit activity. Again we thank you for your interest and we’re sorry we cannot accommodate your request.

Best of luck with your project,

Tim Miller
Project Coordinator
Volunteers In Motion

PS – Enclosed you should also find the dollar bill that you included with your Group Volunteer Project Request form. I am not sure why you sent this to me, other than maybe as a possible bribe? Such actions are unacceptable, and frankly insulting.