Trick or treat, you unwashed heathen!

Halloween is right around the corner, so obviously my mind has turned to Chick tracts. Ah, Chick tracts: terrifying little comics with a "gospel message" and the only thing worse than passing out Smarties. Or pennies. Or razor blades for that matter. 

I remember getting at least one of these every year in my candy bag. And considering we moved a few times in my childhood, it wasn't always the same person handing them out. But sure enough, when dumping out my candy haul at the end of the night to admire/inspect for nefarious tampering, there would be a little paper "comic" amongst the tasty treats. These messages contained lessons from the Lord about things like gay people, abortion, recreational drugs, Islam and of course, the unholiness of Halloween.

The Chick tract website brags that they've been "publishing cartoon gospel tracts and equipping Christians for evangelism for 50 years." I would really love to meet somebody who "saw the light" after reading a Chick tract. Like, how many Catholics have read "The Death Cookie," set it down and said, "Wow. My whole religion is a sham. The holy sacrament of the Eucharist is a death cookie! Thank goodness somebody put this comic under my windshield wiper while I was at Mass!" Or perhaps thousands of homosexuals have been handed the "Sin City" tract at gay pride events and immediately traded in their leather chaps for a leather bound Bible, and I just haven't heard about it. 

The site has testimonials from people claiming that a Chick tract really did save them. Most of these quotes are suspiciously signed simply, "E-Mail" or "Florida." Fishy! But I feel like my personal reaction to Chick tracts is more common. Which is to say, after reading one, I've always felt like I needed to take a shower. And that people who try to sneak Jesus into my life by slipping me an over-the-top, offensive and crazy comic are total creeps. 

Happy Halloween, everybody! Enjoy it - because you're gonna BURN IN HELL for it later!