An open letter to the person who found my blog by searching for “pillow as pretend vagina:”

First of all, hello! Aren't site meters nifty? I mean, I don't really care that much about "visitor stats" and all, but finding your search results was beyond entertaining for me and made bothering with this site meter thing totally worth it. So thanks for that. Second of all, I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for. I know – it’s a little presumptuous for me to jump right to the conclusion that clicking that “Pillow Fights & Boxing Tuesday” link in your search results did not bring you the information (or pictures?) you were expecting. But I just have this feeling that I’m right. So again, sorry.

That isn’t to say that my mind jumped RIGHT to the fact that you’re probably a World of Warcraft playing pre-teen who knows full well that until you have a real job and can pay for it, creative vagina substitutions will have to do the trick. I swear I did not! Because that would be mean and also stereotypical. After all, there are tons of different reasons somebody would do a Google search for “pillow as pretend vagina.” And not all of them are necessarily because you're a Pervy Perverton! For example:

Maybe you teach some sort of childbirth classes and are looking for a way to demonstrate the miracle of birth! Using two body pillows, a Cabbage Patch doll, some dramatic lighting and the song “A Whole New World” from Disney’s Aladdin, you’ve got yourself a “birthing demo to remember!” Depending on the level of education of those in your class, you may need to take a second to explain that they’ll soon be birthing a real baby, and not a doll with yarn for hair. I’d hate for them to miss that point.

Maybe you are doing a community theater stage adaptation of Pedro Almodóvar’s Talk To Her! Well then of course you’d need to figure out a way to make a giant pretend vagina – I mean, you leave out that scene and it’s totally not worth doing a play version of this film! Might I suggest, instead of pillows, using some of those thicker wrestling/gymnastics mats. Even better if you can find them in pink. Also, please send me an invitation to your opening – I would love to attend. I would also expect an “additional production assistance provided by” nod in your program if you go with the pink wresting mats. That's only fair.

Maybe you are a very New Age-y therapist and to get to the root of a client’s “mother issues” you want to encourage their complete regression, right down to recreating his or her actual “birth!” I won’t lie – I think your methods are total baloney, but then again I’m not paying you $150 an hour to shove my head between vagina pillows so I can say “I love you” to my mom again. I can ALREADY say I love you to my mom, thanks.

See? These are just a few examples off the top of my head - I'm sure there are others. But since odds are you're just a Pervy Perverton, maybe you also like music and got something of value out of your little visit to my blog. If not, I hope you at least had the common sense to clear the search history on your mom's computer when you were done.

Take care and best wishes,
Laura